– How Anger Can Be a Reaction to Hope

Last Updated on May 4, 2023 by Chris Roberts

UNDERSTANDING THE BASIS OF ANGER THROUGH INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE TN

Individual counseling can be a place where people can stop and take a breather from life and step back from their normal reactions.  It is a place where people can look at their anger not as the worst and most damaging thing in their life, but rather as a clue to what else might be occurring either before or during their outbursts of anger.  Oftentimes, the significant others around those people who get angry often aren’t the best at keeping their emotions in check when the anger starts to flow.  As the angry person starts to ramp up with vitriol and rage, those around that person either shut down and flee or match their anger with spite and defensiveness.  This is completely understandable.  The difficulty with this type of interaction is that the angry person doesn’t have any room to process their own feelings.  Emotions get escalated in both directions and neither have the mental space to step back and evaluate what is really going on in the situation.

This is precisely why individual counseling in Nashville, TN for anger can be so helpful.  A good therapist is trained to not get sucked in to the fierce attack that most angry people levy on those around them.  Instead, a good therapist in Nashville can step back, even in the moment, and try to piece together what led to this person to become so frustrated and irate.  Therapists who are trained in psychodynamic psychotherapy in fact encourage angry clients to become angry at them, because it allows the rage and feelings that reside in the client to become fully present in the counseling session.  Most clients who come to individual counseling in Nashville for anger, however, are very reluctant to become fully angry during a session.  This is quite interesting, actually!

Anger is a highly vulnerable emotion, although most people would be quite unaware of this reality.  When we are angry, we are usually out of control.  To be out of control means to be at a loss of control.  Anger, at its core, wants to try to show the other person that their anger is not something to be messed with, and neither are they.  Anger says, “Back Off.  I am more powerful than you and can destroy you.”  Anger, however, is always a REACTION to an event.  Therefore, ultimately, the angry person is under the control of the event, which is almost always tied to a person.  An angry person would never want to admit this.  And most people in their life would never describe an angry person as being controlled by other people.  The reality is though, they are at the whim of other people’s actions and feelings.

Almost all of the people I have worked with individual counseling will say that they don’t like being angry and wished they weren’t angry at all.   This is another way of saying that they ultimately aren’t in control of who they are and what they do.

HOW DO YOU WORK WITH ANGER IN INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE?

A good way of understanding why angry people are at the whim of their counterparts is through the concept of Hope.  Most of the time, there is a precipitating event that leads the angry person to act out in rage.  I would argue that right before a person acts out in anger, there has usually been some form of disappointment that has occurred.  In its essence, disappointment is the feeling of being let down.  We can only be let down when we have placed some hope in a certain outcome occurring.  For example, I come home after a long day of work and I “hope” that my wife will understand my long, hard day of work.  Because I “hope” that she knows me well and knows that I like a good, warm meal prepared, I step inside my front door with the expectation that dinner will be on the table.  Of course, for this example, dinner is not prepared and has not even been planned.  Boom, now I am disappointed.  But angry people don’t express their disappointment of their expectation.  That would be vulnerable.  Instead, we go straight from disappointment to anger which usually looks like sarcasm, or yelling, or pouting.  As I scan the kitchen table for food and find it missing, I might say, “Great.  Well done, wife.  Just what I hoped for: Another evening without a warm meal.”  The sarcasm is deep and biting.  I want my wife to feel the pain of my disappointment.  But my wife never knows I am actually sad and disappointed.  All she experiences is that I am angry…again.  And so she fires back with an angry and sarcastic remark of her own and the night if ruined.  The more and more these types of situations occur without stepping back and understanding the root cause, the more the couple becomes distant.

THE CONVERSATION OF HOPE IN INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING

Individual counseling can help an angry person get more in touch with their disappointment and their sadness.  To allow feelings of sadness to infiltrate an angry person’s life, the more that person will believe they aren’t just hopelessly angry.  And as that person can begin to share with their partner the hope they feel, the better chance they have of connecting over disappointment, rather than distancing through fighting.

IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR HELP WITH YOUR ANGER THROUGH INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE

Chris Roberts is an individual therapist in Nashville, TN committed to helping people work through the difficult emotions of anger.  If you notice that anger is a common reaction to the world around you, Chris would love the opportunity to speak with you about ways that he can help or find you someone that best fits your needs.

photo courtesy of: Gianandrea Villa via Unspash