– How Men are Wired Differently for Marriage: Part 1

Last Updated on October 19, 2015 by Chris Roberts

UNDERSTANDING SOME BASIC DIFFERENCES IN THE MALE GENDER FOR COMMUNICATING IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN

References “The Male Brain.” By Louann Brizendine, M.D.

There are many things that surface during the course of marriage counseling in Nashville, TN. One of the most frequent is the distinct differences between men and women, especially from a biological perspective. There have been many studies and theories about how men and women are different, and also how men and women are similar. This article will explore some of Dr. Louann Brizendine’s findings in her research about the male brain in her book, The Male Brain. This is a fantastic primer for understanding some basic concepts about how the male brain works and specifically how it is wired differently than females.

For any marriage between a man and a woman to function well, there must be some acknowledgement of the biological differences between the male and female brain. Of course, there is an entire other field dedicated to studying societies effects and the cultural implications of human interaction on why men and women think and function differently. For this article, we will put aside the argument of “nurture” and simply focus on nature, all the while understanding it is never this simple or plain. Dr. Brizendine outlines a study showing a phenomenal biological trait in boys that is quite different than girls and will ultimately affect the long-range impact during later relationships and specifically marriage. Dr. Brizendine writes, “…researchers studied students in grade-school math class to see how girls and boys solved conceptual math problems and how long it took them. The boys solved the problems faster than the girls. But what was most surprising to the researchers was that most of the boys, when asked to explain how they got the answer, gave an explanation without using any words. Instead, they squirmed, twisted, turned, and gestured with their hands and arms to explain ho they got the answer. The boys’ boys body movements WERE there explanations. Words, in this instance, were a hindrance.” (p. 27) This is a profoundly important study on how boys process information AND communicate effectively. Remember, they got the answers correct AND faster than girls! Obviously, just observe any classroom setting, or remember your childhood, and you will notice that boys are required to sit still and use their words. In essence, it is often communicated as bad or wrong when boys don’t use their words.

For the majority of marriage counseling sessions, it is the men who talk less and communicate with their words less effectively than females. We often view men as less-than, especially in relationships, because they cannot use their words as well or as often. This study noted above is highly influential in understanding WHY this occurs. Further, it may reveal that if men could communicate with their hands and arms and gestures, they might have just as much to say and as effective things to communicate. But that is for another article. What is important to note is that men don’t naturally use their words for communication as much or as effectively as women. But that doesn’t mean men don’t communicate, or that they aren’t as effective at communicating. It simply means that they vessel they use to communicate isn’t always words.

HOW DOES THIS APPLY TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING?

This applies starkly to marriage counseling, because it means that men might be trying their darnedest to communicate, but the other partner can’t interpret their signals. It also means that when men use their words they are already TRYING way harder than most of us give them credit for, including myself. It’s a curious study that can help alleviate some major tension in the household, because perhaps men are trying to communicate more than we give them credit for. It can allow spouses to slow down and at least attempt to understand what a man might be communicating, even if he isn’t using words!

If you and your spouse are having trouble communicating, then marriage counseling in Nashville, Tennessee may be a helpful place to find that connection again. Good marriage counselors in Nashville know that neither person is fully to blame and that most couples want to make it work, even if it sometimes doesn’t seem so obvious. Please feel free to give Chris Roberts a call at Two Trees Counseling Nashville to discuss how he or another marriage counselor in Nashville might be of help.