– How Relationship Counseling Can Help Us Meet Our Basic Needs

Last Updated on March 5, 2015 by Chris Roberts

IN RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN, WE FIGHT WITH OUR PARTNERS BECAUSE WE NEED THEM SO MUCH

References “Hold me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

Relationship counseling in Nashville, TN is designed to be a safe place to explore the current breakdown in our most precious relationships and work to put the pieces back together in a stronger and more secure manner.  It sounds wonderful in theory, and there are countless cases where this framework plays out just as it should.  The one important piece of information missing from this summation is understanding just how important relationships are to us.

In Dr. Sue Johnson’s seminal work, Hold Me Tight, she builds on the work of attachment theory for her relationship counseling context.  Attachment theory was espoused by John Bowlby who sought to understand why some children were more well-adjusted than other children.  He believed that the more securely attached a child felt with her parents, the more free she would be to explore the world, build healthy relationships, and function well in society.  Although Bowlby’s work only focused on children, most counselors would agree that our family upbringing is very important to our individual and long term health.  As such, Dr. Johnson believes that the way we make and maintain relationships for the rest of our lives can also be explained by our attachment needs for community and connection.

In relationship counseling in Nashville, TN, I work from the premise that we need close, solid connections with other people in order to feel whole and healthy.  Based on this premise, I believe that many people get stuck in unhealthy ways of relating simply because they would rather be fighting with someone, than living in loneliness and isolation.  And so what usually happens in relationship counseling, is it gets ugly before it gets better.  It gets ugly, because one partner is saying they want more than what is currently being experienced in the relationship, and they both realize things have to change in order for them to be better.  As a general rule, humans don’t particularly like change, even if they know it is for the better.

3 TRUTHS ABOUT RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN

There are generally three truths in relationship counseling that a person can expect to experience.  Dr. Johnson outlines them below:

1.“Partners acted like they were fighting for their lives in therapy because they were doing just that.  Isolation and the potential loss of loving connection is coded by the human brain into a primal panic response.” (p. 46)

2. “When safe connection seems lost, partners go into fight-or-flight mode.  They blame and get aggressive to get a response, any response, or they close down and try not to care…Most of the blaming in these dialogues is a desperate attachment cry, a protest against disconnection.” (p. 47)

3. “The key moments of change in EFT were moments of secure bonding.  In these moments of safe attunement and connection, both partners can hear each other’s attachment cry and respond with soothing care, forging a bond that can withstand differences, wounds and the test of time…Once partners know how to speak their need and bring each other close, every trial they face together simply makes their love stronger…If you know your loved one is there and will come when you call, you are more confident of your worth, your value.  And the world is less intimidating when you have another to count on and know that you are not alone.” (p. 48)

In relationship counseling, Dr. Johnson states, and I agree, that we can’t live life alone.  Relationships are not a luxury we choose to live without, or in small, sparse containers.  We need relationships in order to feel healthy and whole.

Relationship counseling in Nashville, TN can be an opportunity to turn unhealthy connections into thriving experiences with important loved ones.  Usually, it will involve some discomfort and struggling.  But that discomfort and struggling just proves once again how sacred and important our relationships are.  If you are looking for a relationship counselor in Nashville, TN please feel free to give us a call.  We would be happy to work with you, or point you in the direction of someone else in the Nashville area!