– Listening to our Raw Spots

Last Updated on October 12, 2015 by Chris Roberts

UNDERSTANDING HOW OUR TRIGGERS INFORM OUR LIVES THROUGH MARRIAGE THERAPY

References “Hold me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

In Dr. Sue Johnson’s phenomenal book about having a lifetime of healthy, happy love called Hold Me Tight, she works predominantly from an attachment theory perspective that informs her marriage therapy with couples.  Attachment theory starts, but does not end, with how each person related to their parents and thereby created the style in which that person engages in all subsequent relationships.  It does not blame the parents for how the person ends up being in relationship for the rest of their lives.  But it does not leave the person independent and solely responsible for how they participate in their most significant relationships either.  Attachment theory can be a helpful roadmap for the person to better understand why they react and behave the way they do in marriage.  The actual choice to act differently is entirely up to the individual.

But sometimes, a little understanding as to why a person might react they way they do, can be just the help they need to be more hopeful about change.  This is where marriage therapy comes in.  A quality marital counselor understands they can’t make a person change, and ultimately, they aren’t even responsible for the marital partner changing.  The hope of marriage counseling is that with a little insight and compassion each spouse will feel more grounded and encouraged in their love for their partner, and be willing ot put in the necessary work to make the connection between them stronger.  Attachment theory is one model of helping couples better understand why they fight like they do, and thereby hopefully lessening some of the tension between them, so they have a better chance of making choices to increase their connection.

Usually when a couple comes to marriage counseling, it is because a certain emotional “raw spot” has become increasingly irritated by the other partner.  Dr. Johnson defines a “raw spot” as, “A hypersensitivity formed by moments in a person’s past or current relationships when an attachment need has been repeatedly neglected, ignored, or dismissed, resulting in a person’s feeling what I call the “2 D’s” –emotionally deprived or deserted.” (p. 99)  Common among marriages where a raw spot is continually irritated is that neither partner is very aware of what is actually happening.  In fact, the less articulate the offended spouse is about how they are being hurt, the worse the situation is and will become.  When we are hurt and don’t really know why, or feel silly about being hurt, the more over-reactive we usually become.  Meaning, we are usually the most angry and reactive about these raw spots that hurt the deepest and the quickest, and come from previous wounds that we have never dealt with.  And so, the person in front of us becomes the easiest target to take out our past pain on.  And yet, usually, the person in front of us is the person most likely to take care of us in our pain.

If you are having difficulty in your marriage and live in Nashville or the surrounding areas, please feel free to give Chris Roberts a call to see if he can be of help.   Chris is a Nashville marriage therapist who is committed to helping marriages become thriving, healthy relationships that provide comfort and support to both spouses.  Nashville has many outstanding marriage therapists, and we can provide you with references as well.  We wish you the best in your marriage and all your endeavors!

photo courtesy of Michael Quinn via Unsplash