– Part 1 of Rebuilding Trust After an Affair Through Couples Counseling in Nashville, TN

Last Updated on September 10, 2015 by Chris Roberts

COUPLES COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE FOR REBUILDING TRUST: PART 1

Reference: “After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust when a Partner has been Unfaithful.” 2012. Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.

In a previous article concerning Nashville couples counseling, we discussed the difficult task ahead for rebuilding trust in a relationship after an affair. In essence, both partners, the hurt and the unfaithful, have to be willing to work and shift and change in order to produce new feelings of trust. In this article, we will talk about that first step in rebuilding trust: Changing our behavior.

GETTING REAL WITH CHANGE

In a great book dedicated to helping couples overcome the travesty of an affair by Dr. Janis Abrams Spring, she outlines the first step in working to restore trust. She writes,

“If you’re going to change your behavior toward your partner, you may have to act at times as if you feel more loving, secure or forgiving than you really do. If you wait until your affection returns, you may very well outwait the relationship.”(p.158)

Typically, there is a chain of events, or a lifetime of slow decay that leads one partner to cheat on their mate. Usually, what the unfaithful partner is saying in one way or another is, “I have given up on this relationship, but I’m not courageous enough to end it properly. So I will do something that I know isn’t helpful to our coupling, but I just really don’t care anymore.” This level of apathy, this lack of caring, this boredom, is what leads so many people to have an affair.   As such, the LAST thing this partner wants to hear in regards to rebuilding trust is that they have to “go through the motions.” Perhaps both feel they have been “going through the motions” for eons.

DOING THE REAL WORK OF COUPLES COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE

The difference between going through the motions in past and going through the motions now, is that NOW you are both actually working on something. In the past, going through the motions was a way of keeping the status quo. Neither one of you were willing to take the true risk of disrupting the stagnation to create something better. NOW, you are acting loving with the real hope of one day feeling more loving. Dr. Abrams Spring writes,

“Like the choreographer of an intimate dance, you need to think through exactly what you’d like to see happen between the two of you, and act in ways that will make it happen. You need to reveal what’s important to you and retrain yourself to treat your partner in ways that say, “I like you. You matter to me.”(p. 158)

The hurt partner must learn to be more direct in what they need and say it out loud with confidence and conviction. The unfaithful partner needs to make choices that fall in line with their partner’s requests and check in to make sure their actions are meeting the hurt partner’s needs. This is hard work. This is vulnerable work. This is intimate work.

WILL YOU DO THE HARD WORK?

Your relationship will NOT survive the infidelity unless you both change how you have been treating each other and yourself. There is no going back to the way things were. Changing, in and of itself, will produce intimacy and connection. Change is what both of you were unwilling to do in the past.

REACHING OUT TO COUPLES COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE

It’s always difficult to reach out for help during these troubling times. Chris Roberts is a couples counselor in Nashville, TN with many years helping couples through this tumultuous time. You can contact Chris at Two Trees Counseling Nashville, or by phone at (615) 8009-9260 or email at: chris@nashvillecounselor.net. Chris would love to be of help to you during this time.