– Talking without Needing

Last Updated on October 27, 2015 by Chris Roberts

LEARNING HOW TO HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR SPOUSE THAT DON’T FACILLITATE NEED.

References “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships,” by David Schnarch, PH.D.

It is a common notion that women tend to talk more than men in any setting, especially within a marital context.  Marriage therapists can help disentangle this common struggle between marriage partners, because it usually leads to a conflictual situation where the woman tries to talk more and more, and the man tends to talk and listen less and less.  There is inherently nothing wrong or bad about women wanting to talk more and men wanting to talk less.  It is simply a product of our gender.

What marriage therapy can illuminate for couples is how the woman is talking and how the man is listening.  Or more specifically: What is the woman trying to communicate through her words and what is the man trying to work out through his listening.  In a fantastic book about long-term marriage intimacy, Dr. Schnarch replays a conversation he had with a couple in one of their therapy sessions.

“I can’t handle Joan’s anxiety,” Bill complains in one of our early sessions.  “When she talks to me about her fears, I end up feeling like they are my responsibility to solve.” (p. 114)  It’s not necessary to get in to the details of how this conversation came about during the session.  This simple statement from the man, Bill, should resonate with most couples.  Bill is listening to what Joan is saying.  He is actively paying attention to her needs and trying to understand what she is trying to communicate.  Often what is prescribed for this couple, is that Bill not go into “guy mode” and that he doesn’t need to “fix” the situation.  It is usually stated that Bill just needs to “listen and be supportive.”

Marriage therapy has room for simple advice-giving such as this.  But, this will never get at the heart of what is going on between this couple, and for any other couple for that matter.  When Joan comes to Bill with her fears, but is in a highly anxious state, what she is actually communicating to Bill is this: I am overwhelmed with my anxiety, I cannot control my anxiety, and I need you to help control it for me.  There are other nuances for what Joan might be saying, but in general, this is what is being communicated.  So Bill really has only two options.  He can try to help her calm down, or he can run away.  If he runs away, Joan will be mad and call him a coward.  If he tries to help calm her down, he will almost certainly fail, and now they both will be riddled with anxiety.  Why will he fail?

Truly helpful therapeutic interventions will always work from the premise that a person (even a marriage counselor) can never change another person’s state of being.  Basically, Joan is asking Bill to do something that Bill is incapable of doing.  Only Joan can change her anxious state.  Or more kindly stated, if Joan can’t begin the work of calming herself down first, Bill can’t step in and make it happen for her.

So, the issue isn’t that Bill goes into “guy mode” and tries to “fix” the situation.  The issue is that Joan hasn’t tuned in to herself enough to know that she needs to bring some of her own personal effort into calming herself down, before entering into this type of conversation with another person.

Marriage counselors should be trained at identifying these type of interactions and providing helpful contexts for how marriage partners got into these dilemmas in the first place.  Chris Roberts is a marriage counselor in Nashville, TN and enjoys working with couples who are stuck in certain relational patterns.  Please call Chris at (615) 800-9260, if you are interested in marriage counseling in the Nashville, or middle Tennessee area!