– 3 Steps For Talking About What You Need Through Couples Counseling in Nashville

Last Updated on June 8, 2015 by Chris Roberts

3 STEPS FOR TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU NEED THROUGH COUPLES COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE

Reference: “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage.” 2006. Gottman, Gottman, and DeClaire

In any relationship, we all have needs. Through couples counseling in Nashville, there are countless examples where one partner asking for help turns into conflict and arguing and bickering. Part of a healthy relationship relies on the benefit of engaging your partner in help when you either can’t do something by yourself, or you just want them to join you in daily activities.

If you have been in a relationship for longer than 3 months, then you have probably experienced this need for help from your partner or your partner asking for help. No one really enjoys asking for help. We feel vulnerable and exposed when we ask for help. We all intuitively know that our partner does not HAVE to help when we make a request. Just the request itself sets us up for rejection. Thankfully, we are quite unaware of this feeling of vulnerability in most of our requests. However, the exposure always exists and therefore the possibility of rejection is always prevelant.

Many couples get into terrible patterns of asking for help. Sometimes, we turn to demands, rather than requests. Sometimes, we pretend that we never need help and turn to passive aggressive comments when we feel alone or things aren’t getting done. Sometimes, we turn to self-loathing for even needing help from our partner. In any of these cases, we all need help learning how to communicate effectively when the daily demands of life require that we ask for assistance.

EFFECTIVE STEPS IN COUPLES COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE

In a brilliant book about helping partners navigate the tricky waters of relationship by Dr. John Gottman entitled, “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage,” he helps guide us through some simple steps for asking for help in healthier ways.

1. “Tell each other what you want rather than what you don’t want.” (p. 107). In this example, Dr. Gottman is insisting that we stay positive, and that we stay current. This means we need to let go of all the ways that our partner may have failed us in the past and simply ask for what we want. So, instead of saying, “I really hate it when you don’t take out the trash,” you can say, “It really helps the flow of things in the household when you take out the trash. Can you take out the trash on a regular basis?”
2. “Respond to each other’s statements of need with open-ended questions.”(p. 107) Continuing the example above, when your partner asks you to take out the trash, you can respond by saying, “How often do you need the trash taken out?” By responding with a question, you imply that you have heard their need and you are clarifying for what actually needs to take place. Dr. Gottman gives some examples of what not to do:
   1. “Don’t jump in by stating your own need”(p.107) For example, don’t say, “Well, I need you to wash the dishes more often.”
   2. “Don’t react defensively”(p.107) For example, now is not the time to say, “Are you saying that I don’t do anything around the house to help?”
3. “Express appreciation to the [partner] who’s been listening”(p.108) When you are the partner asking for help, it’s always beneficial to acknowledge that the other spouse is listening and caring about your needs. This is a great balm to soothe any feelings that the listening partner might experience about being inadequate or taken advantage of.

These are obviously over-simplified steps for engaging in requests from your partner. However, if you are having trouble identifying where breakdown happens in your relationship, this is a great tool to try. The more clearly we can identify what we need the better we will be able communicate what we want.

If you are in a relationship and notice that conflict seems to spring out of nowhere when you ask your partner for help, then couples counseling in Nashville could be extremely helpful to your situation. Chris Roberts is a couples counselor in Nashville with many years experience helping couples find clearer paths of communication.