– 3 Things to Avoid When Entering Conflict with your Partner Through Couples Counseling in Nashville, TN

Last Updated on May 11, 2018 by Chris Roberts

LEARNING THE ACTIONS TO AVOID WHEN FIGHTING WITH YOUR PARTNER THROUGH NASHVILLE COUPLES THERAPY

By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP Two Trees Counseling Nashville

Unfortunately, conflict is an unavoidable part of every relationship whether friend, family member, or partnership. There are many positive and rewarding aspects of conflict, if it is handled well. But, oftentimes, conflict ends with more distance rather than more connection. In this article, I will outline 3 major pitfalls to avoid before engaging in conflict with a loved-one. Avoiding these 3 pitfalls won’t guarantee a successful resolution to your conflict, but it will give you a much greater possibility of arriving at connection rather than distance.

DON’T ENTER CONFLICT WHEN YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING!

This is actually a quite simple one. If you have been drinking, don’t start or engage an argument! In my line of work, I often see couples who chose to schedule a session with me because they have just had a big, blow-out fight, or they have a pattern of consistently getting into arguments that end negatively. While I always want to explore the reasons and contents of their fights, I usually start by asking the simple question: Were you drinking when you had this/these fights? More often than not their answer is Yes.

Why does this matter? Well, when we’ve been drinking, we do and say things that feel important in the moment, but in a sober state, we would be much more compassionate and thoughtful about the delivery. It’s not necessarily that the thing we are saying when we have been drinking is “untrue,” it’s just that we say it in a way that makes it almost impossible to be heard in a way that can be effectively processed. It’s also a LIE that we say the most truthful things when we have been drinking. That cliché gets so many couples into trouble. Trying to have an argument when you’ve been drinking is the most reliable way to NOT be heard.

DON’T ENTER CONFLICT WHEN YOU ARE TIRED.

This is a very similar concept to the first point. When we don’t have our full wits about us, we are less likely to communicate in an effective way. Unfortunately, many couples end up talking about serious issues right before they go to bed. The less you are fully able to be present and hear your partner’s side in things, the less likely the conflict will end with more understanding and connection. Another cliché, “Don’t go to bed angry,” has caused couples way more grief and pain, than resolution. If it is late and you are upset with your partner, make an agreement to talk about it tomorrow when you are both rested and able to function on all cylinders.

DON’T ENTER CONFLICT WHEN YOUR HEARTBEAT IS ABOVE 120 BEATS PER MINUTE.

This sounds ridiculously clinical, I know. The purpose isn’t to actually sit down and measure your heart rate and perfectly know whether you can have a disagreement or not. The big picture here is to recognize that when our heart rate is elevated, we have access to FEWER parts of our brain. And the parts of our brain that shut down FIRST are the ones associated with empathy, compassion, and perspective-taking. This means there is scientifically/literally no point in having a conversation, much less a contentious one, if your heart rate is elevated. When our heart rate is elevated we cannot understand what our partner is saying, because we cannot see anything from their perspective. Conflict, inherently, is a discussion about things that we do not naturally see in the same way. To have a successful conflict, we need to learn something new about our partners, or about ourselves from our partner’s point of view. Brain mapping (neuroscience) now tells/shows us this is an impossibility, because the portions of our brain needed to learn aren’t available to use when our heart rate is elevated.

USING NASHVILLE COUPLES THERAPY TO HELP WITH CONFLICT

Even though these 3 examples may seem straightforward there will be many other things that get in the way of us having constructive conflict with our partners. Nashville couples therapy can help leverage the good parts of conflict, while learning to discard the pieces that don’t have significance. Chris Roberts is a couples therapist in Nashville, TN with years of experience working relationships. He would be happy to speak with you about these issues or any others you might be experiencing. Chris can be reached at (615) 800-9260, or chris@nashvillecounselor.net.