– 5 Lessons for Breaking Bad Patterns in Marriage Counseling

Last Updated on October 12, 2015 by Chris Roberts

LEARNING METHODS FOR GETTING OUT OF THE RUT IN YOUR MARRIAGE

References “Hold Me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

Marriage counseling in Nashville, TN can be just as much learning and insight as it is pain and heartache. Most people are scared of marriage counseling, because they fear it will be so much talk about feelings and past hurts. This is usually a part of marriage counseling, but there are so many other areas to discuss during the process. From one of the foremost experts in the world on marriage success and happiness, Dr. Sue Johnson explains five of the most important things she has learned when working with couples in her book, “Hold Me Tight.” These five lessons can be helpful for any couple thinking about entering marriage counseling and how that process might be productive for them.

Regarding marriage therapy and the lifespan of a marriage in general, she writes, “You have to see the how of the dance between you and your partner and what is says about the relationship, not simply the content of the argument. You also have to see the whole dance. If you just focus on the specific steps, especially the other person’s, as in “Hey, you just attacked me,” you will be lost. You have to step back and see the entire picture.”(p. 84) This is such a crucial point in marriage counseling and probably the reason why Dr. Johnson lists it first. There are always patterns. There is always a dance. The dance is accompanied by two individuals, and both people need to be understand their influence and impact on the marriage. Further, this is why marriage therapy can be so helpful, because it allows an unbiased third party to look in on the pattern and describe what is happening. It is fairly difficult, if not impossible, for the people entangled in the pattern to be able to accurately describe it. And as Dr. Johnson points, “You have to step back and see the entire picture.”

For lesson number two, she writes, “Both people have to grasp how the moves of each partner pull the other into the dance.”(p. 85) We reflected on this above, but it is paramount that both people can take responsibility for how they contribute to the pattern. It is so easy for one partner to see the other person’s contribution. Usually, each person can describe succinctly how the other partner “sucks” them into the dance. The pattern will never actually change, unless both partners are willing to do the hard work of acknowledging how they themselves keep the pattern going.

In the third lesson, she states that, “The [dance] is all about attachment distress. It cannot be stopped with logical problem solving or formal communication skill techniques.”(p. 85) In this lesson, she is describing the crucial role that attachment plays in close relationships. Attachment is our basic drive for connecting with another person. We all have certain methods for how we best connect with another person. Whenever we feel that our method for connecting with another person is being threatened, we act in extreme ways to try to get that connection reestablished. We all long to feel secure in our connections with our closest relationships. We want to be able to predict that the person we love will be there for us when we need them. When we begin to fear that person won’t be there for us, we go into primal instinct mode to try to “make” them be there for us. This is why so many couples get gridlocked into unhealthy patterns. This is also why simple steps to solve a marriage usually don’t work. There are emotions and primal emotions involved when our sense of secure attachment becomes threatened.

In the fourth lesson, she says that, “We can learn to see the [dance] as the enemy, not our partner.”(p. 85) It really helps to have a trained marriage counselor point out the dance and how it affects both of the partners. Once both partners can see and agree to the dance and how it influences their relationship, they are better equipped at viewing the dance as the problem and not each other. This is never as simple as it seems, yet it becomes reality for most couples who are willing to do the work.

Finally, in the fifth lesson, she writes, “Partners begin to stand together and call the enemy by name, so they can slow the music down and learn how to step to the side and create enough safety to talk about attachment emotions and needs.”(p. 85) As discussed above, whenever our attachment needs get involved, we act outlandish ways. Whenever a couple can slow down the process and talk about their attachment security, they stand a much better chance of working through the conflict with success.

If you are looking for marriage counseling in Nashville, TN, because your relationship has become stuck in frustrating patterns, please know there are many talented and trained marriage therapists in the Nashville area. Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville would be happy to assist you in finding a marriage counselor who can best meet your needs.

photo courtesy of Ryan Card via Unsplash