– A Nashville Marriage Counseling Guide to Entering Conflict with Your Spouse

Last Updated on September 13, 2014 by Chris Roberts

A NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING GUIDE TO ENTERING CONFLICT WITH YOUR PARTNER

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Time and again in my marriage counseling sessions in Nashville, TN, I work with couples who are unaware that conflict is an unavoidable part of relationships. Most couples are frustrated with their partner because they believe that their partner is the main cause of their arguments, and they believe that most other couples don’t fight or argue. For marriages that have lived under this belief for most of the relationship, this is a hard thought to change.

Perhaps their own parents didn’t fight much, or they believed that their parents had serious relational problems because they did fight. Either way, these people have a hard time understanding that ALL relationships have conflict and tension and unavoidable areas of disagreement. The key here isn’t to eliminate conflict, but rather to learn how to navigate it more effectively.

Solvable Versus Perpetual Problems

In a fantastic book about helping marriages become happy and healthy by Dr. John Gottman called, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. Gottman makes the point that every argument falls into one of two categories: solvable or perpetual. We discussed the details of these types of arguments in a previous article about marriage counseling. Dr. Gottman makes a fundamental point about conflict when he writes, “The basis for coping effectively with either kind of problem is the same: communicating basic acceptance of your partner’s personality. Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless your feel that person understands you.”(p. 149)

It may be beneficial to take a moment and stop and think about what this statement means to you. I believe most people would fundamentally agree with Dr. Gottman’s statement, but I’m not sure many people have stopped to really think about what this means to them. If you will take a few minutes to think how his statement might play out in your life, then I believe the rest of this article will feel more intuitive and natural versus prescriptive advice.

As much as marriage therapy is about helping guide couples to more enjoyable and fulfilling relationships, most people won’t be willing to change how they are currently operating unless it agrees with some part of their own soul.   Dr. Gottman expands on the above statement, “So the bottom-line rule is that, before you ask your partner to change the way he or she drives, eats, or makes love, your must make your partner feel that you are understanding. If either (or both) of you feels judged, misunderstood, or rejected by the other, you will not be able to manage the problems of your marriage.”(p. 149) So, just as any area of conflict with your partner must contain some portion of understanding, so too must marriage counseling connect and acknowledge to a true part of each partner’s personality.

Understanding Change and Acceptance in Nashville Marriage Counseling

Marriage counseling, in its essence, will ask each partner to change something they are doing. It doesn’t have to be huge or dramatic. But the reality is that whatever each of you have been doing up to this point is no longer working. Something will have to be different in order to create a different outcome.  Dr. Gottman gives a great example of how to show acceptance of your spouse, while also pointing out an area of concern. He writes, “There’s a big difference between “‘You are such a lousy driver. Would you please slow down before you kill us?’ and ‘I know how much you enjoy driving fast. But it really makes me nervous when you go over the speed limit. Could you please slow down a bit?’(p. 149)

As a reader, when you go through each of those statements above, do you have a different internal reaction to each request? Can you notice what is different and why it had a different reaction within you? Dr. Gottman makes no mistake that the second example takes a little longer. But in the long run, if it avoids a blow-up or dramatic reaction, then it is probably worth the extra effort in the beginning. Also, the better you become at wording things like the second example, the easier and more natural it becomes to say it. Besides the fact that usually, the second example is just as true! You are not lying! You are simply acknowledging that the offending party is not a terrible person, but that you are uncomfortable with some action they are taking.  Dr. Gottman sums this point up well when he writes, “It’s just a basic fact that people can change only when they feel that they are basically liked and accepted as they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.”(p. 149)

Nashville marriage counseling is a great resource to help you and your partner learn to manage the unavoidable conflict that is present in every relationship. If you are looking for some help with your marriage, Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling is an experienced marriage counselor who would love to work with you.