– Addressing Covert Sexual Incest in Individual Therapy in Nashville, TN

Last Updated on August 8, 2016 by Chris Roberts

UNCOVERING THE REALITY AND HARM OF BEING A SURROGATE SPOUSE TO YOUR PARENT.

Although it may sounds dramatic to use the term “covert sexual incest” when discussing childhood connections with our parents, I believe it becomes entirely appropriate when faced with the harm that ensues from such situations. Also, the degree and frequency to which this occasion occurs warrants a clear and concise discussion on the topic. In a fantastic, and short, book by Dr. Kenneth Adams entitled, “Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners. Understanding Covert Incest,” he eloquently defines the situations in which this occurs, “Covert incest occurs when a child becomes the object of a parent’s affection, love, passion, and preoccupation. The parent, motivated by the loneliness and emptiness created by a chronically troubled marriage or relationship, makes the child the surrogate partner. The boundary between caring and incestuous love is crossed when the relationship with the child exists to meet the needs of the parent rather than those of the child.” Hopefully, just this brief description alone highlights the ambiguity and subjectivity of ever diagnosing or defining when and how covert incest occurs. There is very little empirical evidence to prove that the parent’s needs have become more important than the child’s needs. Much less so, the shame and embarrassment for a parent to ever admit this might be the case.

Dr. Adams goes on to say, “Being a covert incest victim is no different (than overt incest.) It is a distortion in perception to believe that the mother’s excess attention given in a covertly incestuous relationship saved the child. On the contrary, it robbed the child of the freedom to be autonomous and to feel worthy. Vitality is lost under the insidious, life-long trap that “I should keep being there for my mother; after all, she was always there for me.” Again, it cannot be stressed enough that the mother’s preoccupation with the child is not a statement of love for the child, but a statement of dire neediness by the mother. The child’s core needs are not served, but rejected. The child feels like an object, not a person. The real needs for love, nurturing, security, and trust are never met. Worse yet, the child is made to believe they are met. This is the essence of the damage in a covertly incestuous relationship, along with the trauma of that relationship being bound by inappropriate sexual energy. The reality here is not clear. That is a major factor in covert incest being so insidious and pervasive in an adult victim’s life.”

HOW CAN INDIVIDUAL THERAPY IN NASHVILLE HELP?

In my experience, it’s difficult enough to have a client engage in the pain and betrayal of overt sexual abuse or incest. We all have a longing to “put the past in the past” and believe it does not effect us in the present. Even when there is clear memories and evidence to prove that a child was abused by an adult, that now adult child very rarely and reluctantly will address the pain and harm that it caused. The even more crazy-making trauma of covert incest is that is basically impossible to “prove” or establish. The lines are so blurred between “love” and “neediness” that most people don’t even want to try to open that Pandora’s box.

However, based on what Dr. Adams has expressed, if we don’t reconcile our past and come to terms with the reality of its effects, we will be haunted by the harm we have received. We will continue to play out this betrayal and disappointment in ways that make our daily living seem contrary to what we state are our goals. There is hope and there is help available. Individual therapy in Nashville can help a person unpack the current life they are living in ways that might point to harm that was caused by covert incest. Once we can begin to at least consider the possibility and effects of covert incest, we can start creating a new gameplan for living life with more freedom.

If you have ever been confused by the level of attention or care given to you by a parent, then there may be a reason to explore the possibility of covert incest. There are no easy answers or simple formulas to follow. In fact, things, at least internally, may get a lot messier before they become clearer. But addressing the circumstances that affected your childhood, and freeing you from an inappropriate level of guilt could be a key component to finding the freedom you long for.

If you are looking for guidance or help, Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville would love the opportunity to speak with you more about your concerns. Chris Roberts can be reached at (615) 800-9260 or chris@nashvillecounselor.net.