– Allowing Marriage Counseling in Nashville to Help with Resolvable Problems

Last Updated on September 13, 2014 by Chris Roberts

ALLOWING MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE TO HELP WITH RESOLVABLE PROBLEMS

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

We can all use help in learning to deal with conflict with our loved ones. Marriage counseling in Nashville, TN is a great place to learn some basic tools for dealing more effectively and compassionately with your spouse. Most married couples love each other dearly. Conflict may have become so rampant in their relationship they no longer believe they love each other anymore. Conflict left unresolved or unattended becomes such an erosion to feelings of love and connection and care. The same conflict over and over again leaves us feeling inept and hopeless about ever returning to a place of love and care with our marriage partner. Even conflict that seems quite small or trivial, left unaddressed, just slowly eats away at the core feelings of closeness with your spouse.

Marriage counseling can be a safe place where both partners learn they are still in love with each other and have both been trying hard to resolve these unyielding arguments. Sometimes, just being willing to step back and let a trained marriage counselor interpret what your spouse is trying to communicate can be so helpful in regaining some hope that your love is not lost.

Dealing Effectively with Solvable Conflict

Dr. John Gottman believes all conflict falls into one of two categories: solvable and perpetual. We have discussed these two categories in previous articles about marriage therapy. In Dr. Gottman’s amazing book on creating happy marriages called, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” he outlines some steps for dealing more effectively with solvable conflict.   He lists these steps in order:

1. “Soften your startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself an each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults” (p. 158)

Dr. Gottman’s words to describe the above outline are succinct. He writes, “These steps take very little ‘training’ because we all pretty much have these skills already; we just get out of the habit of using them in our most intimate relationship. To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say, ‘Here. You forgot your umbrella.’ We would never think of saying, ‘What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful, for God’s sake! What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?’ We are sensitive to the guest’s feelings, even if things didn’t go so well. When a guest spills wine, we say, ‘No problem. Would you like another glass?’ not, ‘You just ruined my best tablecloth. I can’t depend on you to do anything right, can I? I will never invite you to my home again.’(p. 158)

This almost seems a little too simple. It is simple, but it’s not easy. Also, remember we are talking about solvable problems, not perpetual ones that have existed for a long time in our marriage. The courtesy he is basically talking about above means that most importantly, we begin the conversation about the issue with a “soft startup.”

Dr. Gottman links so many long-term marital issues with simply how a spouse begins a conversation about a controversial situation. He states that so many arguments are created or avoided by learning to begin the conversation with a soft tone and an understanding position. The absence of contempt or cynicism is crucial to having a soft startup. This is not easy to do – especially if both of you have fallen into consistent patterns of beginning conversations with sarcasm or hopelessness. In that case, this will take some serious and intentional effort.

Whenever there has been years and years of anger and fighting, just trying to start a difficult conversation in a soft tone will be quite challenging. And yet, Dr. Gottman’s research states that this is one of the single most influential factors in creating a happy marriage! Simple, but not easy.

In future articles, we will go into greater detail of what each of these steps looks like. But suffice to say, if a couple can master the first step, their conflict will take a drastic turn for the better!

Marriage counseling in Nashville, Tennessee is never easy, but it can be highly effective. Chris Roberts is a trained marriage counselor in Nashville and is available to meet with you and your spouse to help you work through areas of conflict. Chris has evening and weekend appointments to better meet the needs of working couples.