– Basic Conversation Skills in Marriage Counseling

Last Updated on February 23, 2014 by Chris Roberts

SOME QUICK TIPS ON HAVING A PRODUCTIVE AND CONNECTING CONVERSATION WITH YOUR SPOUSE THROUGH MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE TN

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

In a previous post about marriage counseling in Nashville, TN, we discussed how (re)connecting with your spouse at the end of each day is an important component of a healthy marriage.  Just talking with your marital partner each day will not save or qualitatively improve the health of your marriage.   But if you don’t talk and connect at the end of almost every day, your marriage will suffer.  Or at least, Dr. John Gottman has proclaimed as much after studying thousands of marriages and their interactions.  However, as we pointed out in the previous article, just sitting down and talking to your spouse is not enough.  Oftentimes, just trying to do this can result in more disconnection and fighting.  In Dr. Gottman’s excellent book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” he outlines several key components to having a connective and enjoyable conversation with your spouse each day.

Although marriage therapy is not solely comprised of little tidbits of advice and information, sometimes it is very helpful for couples to identify some clear rules and expectations for ways to improve their marital status.  In this case, we will outline some basic tips for how to have a helpful conversation with your marriage partner at the end of the day.  This article will list those steps as defined by Dr. Gottman, and then explore more of what they might mean.

Rule 1: Take turns.(p. 88) Don’t ignore the simplicity of this step.  Of course we learned this in kindergarten, but in marriages with high levels of tension and frustration, this can be a helpful barameter to discover if there are ways marriages are already submarining a conversation.  It may be best to ask: Who wants to go first?  And then it can be kind to ask: Are you okay if I speak now?  This is very simple and could appear quite patronizing.  But without this level of attention to basic rules of conversation, your discussion will go nowhere.

Rule 2: Don’t give unsolicited advice.(p.88)  We will talk more about this in later rules, but this is a phenomenally helpful rule to follow if your marriage is already on thin ice.  Basically the rule goes that if you aren’t looking to give advice, you will probably be more open to listen and be empathic.

Rule 3: Show genuine interest.(p.88)  This can sometimes be the most difficult for couples who have long histories of bitterness and resentment.  The less we feel heard by our marriage partner, the less we want to open ourselves up to them with interest and intrigue.  Again, this won’t fix your marriage, but without it you don’t stand much of a chance.

Rule 4: Communicate your understanding.(p.89)  This is critical and can really be a grounding point for each of you to listen with interest from rule 3.  If you know you have to repeat back what you are hearing, then you are more likely to listen in the first place.  This takes skill and trust.  It makes the listener very vulnerable, and THAT is a very good thing!

Rule 5: Take your spouse’s side.(p.89)  Especially at the end of the day, when there is just enough time to walk each other through your ups and downs, this is extremely important.  There will be time to point out areas where your spouse could have taken a different approach or looked at it from another perspective.  But NOT at the end of the day.  This is a time for connection and interest.  Sympathize and empathize as much as possible.  Taking your spouse’s side is a great way to accomplish those traits and your spouse will feel supported and heard.

Rule 6: Express a “we against others” attitude.(p.89)  Again, these rules apply to end of day conversations.  The assumption is you both are tired from a long, exhausting day.  There are different rules of engagement for different periods.  The more you solidify your connection at the end of the day, the better chance you will have of exploring other thoughts with your marriage partner at another time of day.

Rule 7: Express affection.(p.89)  Touch, touch, touch.  Smile.  Work to make your hands soft, and your face soft and your body posture open and comfortable.

Rule 8: Validate emotions.(p.89)  Again, we are primarily talking about how to have good, connecting conversations at the end of the day.  If your spouse felt hurt by others, or dismissed by his boss, or undermined by a co-worker, let them know the way they feel is okay.  Of course you will be hurt if your boss says something offensive to you.

Marriage counseling in Nashville is never this easy.  Marriage counseling is not a 1-2-3 process of do this, then do this, then do this and you will be fixed.  But marriage counseling can be extremely helpful in over-stating the obvious, so that your marriage can begin to rebuild a solid foundation from which to work through more difficult areas.