– Being Separate Within Marriage

Last Updated on February 27, 2013 by Chris Roberts

USING DIFFERENTIATION AS CONNECTION IN MARRIAGE 

References “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships,” by David Schnarch, PH.D.

There are some marriages out there where it just seems simple for people.  Two people fall in love.  They have a couple of kids.  Their life works well and there isn’t strife and conflict and struggle.  There are marriages where this is true.  And there are many marriages where it takes committed, enduring work to make them thrive and life giving.  Marriage takes work because there are so many factors involved in keeping two people in a loving, enjoyable relationship.  Most marriages contain two people that usually have different ideas about finances, how to raise children, where to worship, and when they should visit their relatives….to name a few.  Although marriage is never intended to have two people completely agree about how each of these issues should be addressed, if the people within the marriage aren’t having productive conversations about these topics, eventually frustration, bitterness, and anger will develop.

Not only does a couple need to be having these conversations, they need to be having these conversations in productive ways that create positive synergy.  This is where marriage counseling can be such a helpful resource for couples.  A marriage therapist can help couples not just answer basic questions about how they should manage their finances.  A marriage therapist can address relational issues about how the couple is engaging in conversations.  A key component to how a couple engages conversation is the extent to which each partner is differentiated.  David Schnarch writes, “Differentiation involves balancing two basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness.” (p. 55)

Although the term differentiation is not common parlance in our culture, most people have an innate sense of what the term is describing.  And that is part of the difficulty of the issue.  If we were each backed into a corner and forced to describe part of the disharmony with being wed to the same person for many years, most people would probably give some description of the basic definition of differentiation even without knowing that is what they are describing.  Most of the discussion around marriage is “learning how to compromise,” “learning how to live together,” and “learning how to keep love alive.”  All of these are applicable conversations dealing with the reality of marriage, but none address a core desire of what it means to be human.  Differentiation helps put words to our inherent longing in each of us to be connected to another, and yet to be distinct and be able to be ourselves.  Differentiation can be used to help lessen the tension that most people feel within marriage without swinging to one of the two sides of either living in separate parts of the house, or attempting to agree on every single issue that arises.  Differentiation can help make it be okay that we want to be an individual while also acquiescing to the equal force of wanting to be together.

As humans, even if we cannot use good words to describe it, we are terrified of being lonely. But to an equal degree, we are terrified of losing our sense of self, our individuality that makes us separate and special and unique.  Marriage can appear to be this glimmering beacon of hope that forever extinguishes our fear of loneliness.  And in the beginning, each person is usually quite ready to forego whatever sense of space and differentness that might exist, in order to assure connection and intimacy.  Marriage becomes a comfortability and security in relationship that pushes back the common fears of living daily life.  Most people become married under this guise, even though most are completely unaware of this intention.  We call this love.  And surely it is love, it is just not all of love.

Differentiation can become the common bridge that two people can traverse to begin to have conversations about their longings and their fears.  Differentiation can become the common ground that each share in their journey to live a fulfilling life.  Through differentiation, a couple can learn how their longings to remain as separate, individual people can connect them in their vision for a happy life.  If you notice your marriage has been stuck in a rut of disconnection and frustration, perhaps a marriage counselor can help you work through your current struggles, and even find a way for both of you to be right.