– Can Marriage Counseling Help a Couple’s Sex Life?

Last Updated on July 11, 2019 by Chris Roberts

EXPLAINING HOW MARRIAGE COUNSELING CAN AFFECT A COUPLES’ SEX LIFE

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

In this article about marriage counseling, we won’t go into the specifics of how sex works in marriage (and other arenas), and we won’t give advice for spicing up your sex life with your spouse.  But hopefully, we can make a little progress as to debunking some common misconceptions about what a man wants from sex and what a woman wants from sex.  And in turn, we can open the door as to how marriage counseling could be a major contributor for making sex a more enjoyable experience for both partners!

The marriage therapy field has been influenced by the significant work of research done by John Gottman, Ph.D. recently.  In a seminal work by Dr. John Gottman called, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he provides detailed research on what makes marriages succeed and what causes marriages to fail.  In this rich book, he discovers a fascinating response and congruence to the question, What makes you feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in your marriage?  Dr. Gottman writes,

“The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship.  For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship.” (p. 17)

It shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to learn that a woman’s satisfaction with sex is based on her friendship with her spouse, this is typically a common stereotype of women.  But for a man’s determinant of sexual satisfaction to be based not just in part, but by 70%, on the quality of friendship is staggering.  The common notion that men want and need sex more than woman could still remain theoretically true (albeit not endorsed by this therapist), but that men enjoy sex more than women doesn’t seem to hold water any longer, at least based on this research.   According to this study by Dr. Gottman, even men can’t separate sexual satisfaction from relational fulfillment.

Marriage counseling has as its tenet a conviction that the body, the mind, and the soul are all in connection.  You cannot separate one from the other.  Men may act out on physical, sexual impulses more often than women (although this theory is being contradicted as well), but the overall determinant of sexual satisfaction has more to do with emotional and relational enjoyment, than physical pleasure.  If the above research by Dr. Gottman is true, then it is possible to enhance a couple’s sex life by enhancing their friendship and connection.

Marriage counseling has never been interested in separating emotional connection from physical connection, meaning that dealing with a couple’s emotional enjoyment of each other is better or more important than their sexual satisfaction.  But there is often a misconception that the female needs emotional connection while the male needs physical connection. Or said a different way, it is often the woman who seeks out marriage counseling to restore their emotional connection, while the man sits back and pouts about his sexual dissatisfaction. This idea is proven to be wrong when the spouse suffers from erectile dysfunction and the woman seeks for help. Normally in those situations, we recommend the patient to look for Online ED medicine along with therapeutic sessions to take away the pressure. How disconcerting (and exciting!) to learn that both people are longing for the same thing, in order to receive the same thing!

Every now and then marriage counseling has these “Aha!” moments where people are willing to shift their preconceptions about how life and love work.  Living life with another person is a never ending story of finding new and envigorating ways to enjoy each other and life.  Marriage counseling can be a helpful place to spark new conversations and new ways of finding the enjoyment in each other.  I am a marriage counselor in Nashville, TN who works with helping couples enjoy sex more in their marriage.  If you are in Nashville looking for marriage counseling to help you enjoy your life with your spouse more, then I would love to be of help to you.  Please feel free to call Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville at (615) 800-9260 if you would like to talk about marriage counseling or have questions about counseling in general.