– Can My Relationship Be Saved? With Nashville, TN Couples Counseling

Last Updated on September 4, 2024 by Chris Roberts

By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP (Licensed Professional Counselor with Mental Health Service Provider designation) Two Trees Counseling Nashville

CAN COUPLES COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN ACTUALLY SALVAGE MY RELATIONSHIP?

I get asked this question all the time in my private practice couples counseling sessions, especially in the beginning of our work.  It is a daunting, and scary, and courageous question.  And I know fear and trepidation that await my answer.  The cliché answer is: If you are both willing to do the work, and committed to loving each other and exploring not only the dynamics of your relationship, but also yourself specifically, then Yes, there is always a chance, even a good chance, you can have an amazing relationship!  In this scenario, the “work” I referred to above is a relentless curiosity about each individual’s contribution to the current breakdown in the relationship.  The second one partner starts focusing on, or emphasizing, the other partner’s “problems,” or their contribution to the breakdown in the relationship, I get a pit in my stomach with usual, predictive outcome that the relationship is doomed.  The temptation is so strong, when our relationship is in a bad place, to look at our partner’s difficulties, and issues, and negative contributions to the dynamics in the relationship.  I’ll explain more why this is so, later on.  And yes, even with affairs, if both partners are willing to do the work of exploring their own contribution to the deleterious state of their arrangement, then couples can go on to having a fulfilling and life-giving relationship!  Very rarely is it an event itself that is the cause of a relationship coming to the brink.  But even so, the temptation is so strong to identify one partner as the main problem, even if it is an affair.

IF NOT AN AFFAIR, THEN WHAT IS THE HARDEST PART TO SOLVE ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP FALLING APART?

Typically, a relationship has been a bad place for a while, before the affair starts.  Obviously, not all the time, but more often than not, the affair is the symptom of a relationship that had already fallen on really hard times.  So, what is the main indicator that a relationship can’t be salvaged? The straightforward answer is: contempt.  Another word is: bitterness, also known as resentment.  Once a relationship has reached the stage of resentment, it almost impossible to bring it back to life.  The reason, as I mentioned above, is that resentment, in its most core form, is an entitlement to being angry at, and therefore blaming the other partner for all, or at least a majority of, the issues within the couple.  Once we start to actually believe that the other partner carries most or all of the blame for the breakdown in the marriage, it is very, very difficult for the person casting the blame, to be willing to acknowledge and own their part in the difficulties that have arisen in the dyad.  And so, the power struggle becomes so locked in place, that very little movement can be made.  Unless there is a herculean, and truly humbling of the blamed partner, to accept as much blame as is reasonable (they themselves can’t take more responsibility than is actually theirs) without any retaliation or defensiveness, then perhaps it might soften the partner doing the blaming, to being willing to consider their own participation in the breakdown.

AN IMPORTANT POINT TO CONSIDER IN COUPLES COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN

If you’re relationship has reached the place where tensions are high, and most conversations end in arguments, or you’ve resorted to not really talking about much of anything for fear of it turning into conflict, then there is an important aspect of your inner state you must become aware of.  It is this: you are going to be guarded, and have walls up, and self-protective (versus vulnerable and self-giving).  But, at the same time, you are going to be more sensitive, more fragile, and more easily influenced by even the tiniest negative perception you have of your partner.  Its an awful combination.  But most people are very rarely aware of the second half of their inner state I just described. 

WHY DOES BEING AWARE OF MY SENSITIVITY MATTER IN COUPLES COUNSELING?

It matters, perhaps the most, because we are going to over-interpret, overly conclude, and negatively assume our partners actions, intentions and efforts.  And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy during a time when we have no awareness that we are creating our own prophecy about our future.  Because we are thin and fragile ourselves, we have less resiliency or patience, to tolerate even normal stress or a non-positive mood from our partner.  Our loved one may come home from work and place their bag on the table and walk to get a drink of water.  But, in OUR minds, they “slammed” their bag on the table, they ignored us, and they fulfilled their own needs before checking in with us.  Of course, that last sentence is all made up in our head about their intentions and the force of how they put the bag on the table.  But at this point, if we aren’t aware of our negative bias towards most of the things our partner does, then we won’t even be able to consider that they might NOT be doing the things we are accusing them of.  And it makes it very hard to recover from a moment like this, if there is no awareness that the partner making the allegations might not be accurate.  Ugh.  It is so difficult at this point.

TELL ME AGAIN, HOW COUPLES COUNSELING CAN HELP?

The therapist becomes a neutral third party who might have the only chance of asking each partner to reflect on their own contribution, and that partner actually believe them, and shift their stance.  And please know, it is an incredibly vulnerable stance to start to look inward at our negative contribution, rather than attack our partner’s weaknesses.  Why?  Because the second we acknowledge our own flaws, our partner can use that as “proof” that we are the one with the problem, or the greatest problem, or most of the problems.  And that’s where the first piece of the dynamic I listed above comes into play: I’m the most guarded and the most self-protected I have ever been.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN COUPLES REALLY COME BACK THROUGH COUPLES COUNSELING?

Yes!  I have seen couples turn it around. But, my strategy isn’t just to get them back to a “good” place.  I’m not interested in just having their relationship be fine.  Or, back to normal.  If you are going to work with me, we aren’t going to stop until you have something better than you’ve ever had.  We are going to use the pain, and conflicts, and distance to prove that all that fighting you were doing was just really your best attempts at trying to have something better than you’d ever had!  We are going to turn conflict on its head, and give you hope and intimacy that anytime you face confrontation in the future, you will face it head-on, because you now know something far better lies on the other side when you use conflict productively.

If you are in a bad place in your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to Chris Roberts and Two Trees Counseling Nashville.  Chris has over 15 years of working with couples and individuals and bringing them to levels of healing and thriving they never dreamt possible.  Chris can  be reached at: chris@nashvillecounselor.net.  Or by phone in the state of Tennessee at (615) 800-9260.