– Discovering our Tender Areas Through Marriage Counseling in Nashville TN

Last Updated on September 14, 2014 by Chris Roberts

DISCOVERING OUR RAW SPOTS THROUGH MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE TN

References “Hold Me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

There are many ways marriage counseling in Nashville, TN can be helpful to your overall marital happiness and enjoyment. Sometimes we have to uncover some of the painful ways we harm each other in order to move forward in more productive ways. We all have tender areas within us that can be easily triggered by those we love without even knowing it. When these areas get triggered, we overreact in ways most of don’t even understand. We go from zero to sixty in the flash of an eye. These are the situations where our raw spots may have become triggered.

The first step in addressing these raw spots is understanding that we have them in the first place. We must realize that we have raw spots in order for us to begin noticing them and dealing with them appropriately. In a fantastic book about marriages by Dr. Sue Johnson called, “Hold Me Tight,” she details the significance of knowing we have these tender areas in our lives. She writes, “Indeed, we don’t even recognize that we have raw spots. We are only aware of our secondary reaction to the irritation—defensively numbing out and shutting down, or reactively lashing out in anger. Withdrawal and rage are the hallmarks of the Demon Dialogues, and they mask the emotions that are central in vulnerability: sadness, shame, and most of all, fear.”(p. 101). I have discussed these Demon Dialogues in previous articles about marriage counseling in Nashville, TN. Dr. Johnson makes an important point that sometimes our best indicator to our tender areas being triggered is by noticing our secondary reaction to an event. As we become more proficient at discovering our tender areas, we can halt our secondary reactions, but to begin discovering them, we might have to start with noticing our overreactions. This is some of my favorite parts of marriage counseling. There is a beginning time where all we have to do is more specifically notice how we react to things. There is no judgement about changing our behavior or failure to do things differently. The only thing that is asked in the beginning is to simply notice! It is helpful here to just notice what you are doing and not worry so much about your marriage partner.

HOW TO START RECOGNIZING OUR TENDER AREAS IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE TN

Once a couple is willing to undergo this investigative process, we start by listing the two main areas of overreactions. Dr. Johnson writes, “There are two signs that tell you when your raw spot or your partner’s has been hit. First, there is a sudden radical shift in the emotional tone of the conversation.”(p. 104) This is a great time to stop and ponder if you can recognize any of these situations from the past. Can you remember a time when you were having a lovely time with your spouse and then all of sudden you felt distant, or cold, or angry. The reaction doesn’t have to be extreme. There just needs to have been a dramatic shift in the feel of the conversation. This is a more nuanced and intuitive discovery. Can you remember a time when the “feel of things” changed and you had no idea why? These times could be a great indicator that a raw spot has been hit. It’s helpful to write this down or keep a mental list. See if you can detect a pattern. See if you notice some similarities as to when this happens, or what happens right before the tone changes.

Dr. Johnson then writes, “Second, the reaction to the perceived offense often seems way out of proportion.”(p. 104) This is the more typical secondary reaction we notice first. We know that something our partner said upsets us, but we can’t help but yell, or shut down, or feel this overwhelming pressure to “get away.” Our partners are usually great at pointing this out to us! There is usually the stereotypical comment, “What has gotten in to you? You are acting crazy.” These cues from our partner can help reveal that a raw spot has been triggered.

The main point of this first exercise in discovering our raw spots is simply to notice. Nothing needs to change for the moment. No one needs to do anything different. The intentionality of really looking at our interactions is all the work that is required at this time. If a couple is willing to commit to this practice of pure discovery, it can even become somewhat fun. The point here is to simply notice. No one can change something they don’t believe exists…even if the other partner has tried to show them incessantly for years!

If you have noticed outbursts of frustration or withdrawal from your marriage partner, then marriage counseling in Nashville, Tn may be helpful in changing this process. Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville is an experienced marriage and relationship counselor that would love the opportunity to speak with you more about your situation.