– Discussing Shame in Nashville Counseling Services

Last Updated on November 29, 2014 by Chris Roberts

DISCUSSING SHAME IN NASHVILLE COUNSELING SERVICES

Most people are aware of the concept of shame. It’s a terribly complicated feeling that affects most people almost every day. We learn to live with it. Most of us probably aren’t aware of how often we deal with it. Nashville counseling services can help us better understand what it means and how it affects our daily life.

Through Nashville counseling services you can learn how so many of the actions you take on a daily basis are influenced, if not determined, by shame. We are much better equipped to respond to situations in a healthy way if we are aware of what’s driving our motivations. To put it simply: No one likes the feeling of shame. Shame produces that uncomfortable, raw tinge of emotion. It’s difficult to describe and difficult to nail down. It comes upon us so quickly and we usually act in some way to make it go away as fast as possible. This is why shame causes us to act in ways that our inconsistent with the type of person we want to be. We want to be loving and patient and understanding and kind. I believe we all want to act in these ways at our core. But shame raises its ugly head, and because we are so used to it, we find quick and habitual patterns to make it go away. We get so good at making shame go away! The problem is that most of the methods we employ to shake off shame don’t create healthy scenarios for us or the ones we love.

WHAT DOES SHAME LOOK LIKE?

Shame typically takes on the appearance of embarrassment. When something happens to us where a situation doesn’t turn out like we thought it would, we feel silly, or embarrassed, that we didn’t predict the right outcome. When we come home from a long day at work and our spouse asks us, “Did you remember to pick up the chicken for dinner”, we immediately have a strong emotional reaction. That emotional reaction feels like embarrassment for forgetting to do something we agreed to do.   We don’t like being seen as a person that forgets things, or as a person who lets other people down. We don’t exactly know how our spouse is going to respond, but before we can give them a chance to respond and call us the thing we are most worried about becoming, we fire back. We say, “Hey, I’ve had a long day. You could have gotten the chicken yourself. What have you done all day?” In this instance, we respond with anger and belittling. When we react in anger, we are typically trying to feel powerful. We would much rather pick a fight, than deal with the reality that we feel embarrassed and ashamed. It usually works. Our spouse takes the bait and fires back. Now, no one is aware of the shame that poked its ugly head!

HOW DO WE DEAL WITH SHAME IN NASHVILLE COUNSELING SERVICES?

Nashville counseling services is a place to slow down the conversation. When we slow down conversations, or fights, or conflict, we can begin to look for instances of shame that changed the trajectory of the evening. This is good…and also hard. We react quickly to rid ourselves of shame, and sometimes the counseling process invites us to spend more time in the shame. Shame overwhelms us. Shame tells us we are not worthy or good or dependable. Men so desparately want to feel competent and successful and dependable. Women so desperately want to feel connected and secure and stable. Shame says that we are not a loving mother, because we didn’t hear our child’s cry for help. Shame says we are not a caring spouse, because we upset our partner. Shame is loud and clear and so uncomfortable. Shame is concise and penetrates to our core fears. It takes tremendous courage to recognize our shame and not run from it.

When we learn to recognize shame for what it is, we can more effectively choose how we want to respond. If we never take the time to understand how shame works and why it arises, we will fall prey to its vices on a consistent basis. If you notice you are acting in ways inconsistent with who you want to be, Nashville counseling services could be helpful to you. Chris Roberts is licensed counselor providing Nashville counseling services for individuals and couples experiencing shame and uncomfortability in life. Chris would love to talk to you more about your concerns and offer ways to help.