– Distinguishing the Types of Fights Couples Have

Last Updated on December 14, 2015 by Chris Roberts

HOW COUPLES COUNSELING CAN HELP COUPLES UNDERSTAND THEIR FIGHTS

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

In a previous article about couples therapy, we discussed how arguments and fighting is an integral part of any relationship.  Fighting is neither good or bad.  Conflict represents one of the many aspects of being coupled.  Part of the danger of arguments is not understanding how they happen and not knowing how to enter into a tough disagreement.  The best couples counselors know how to slow down a fight and break it into more manageable parts that can be discussed in a healthy way.  A healthy distinction for couples in conflict is understanding the difference between Complaints and Criticism.

As one of the foremost couples therapists in the nation, Dr. John Gottman has written a fantastic book called, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.”  The principles in this book apply to marriages just as much to any committed couple.  Dr. Gottman makes the distinction between Complaints and Criticism by stating, “A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but a criticism ups the ante by throwing in blame and general character assassination.” (p. 28)  Helping a couple understand the difference between the two types of interactions is fundamentally important to helping them navigate fights.

Dr. Gottman gives some examples to help further explain the difference for couples.

“Complaint: There’s no gas in the car.  Why didn’t you fill it up like you said you would?

Criticism: Why can’t you ever remember anything?  I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank and you didn’t.

Complaint: You were supposed to check with me before inviting anyone over for dinner.  I wanted to spend time alone with you tonight.

Criticism: Why do you keep putting your friends ahead of me?  I always come last on your list.  We were supposed to have dinner alone tonight.” (p. 28)

As you read through these examples, can you identify with these statements?  Perhaps the exact words aren’t the ones you use in your couple’s fights, but can you already begin to pick out the difference between complaints and criticism?  The degree to which couples choose criticism over complaining is one of the greatest predictors to long-term dissatisfaction.  In its essence, a criticism isolates the particular event to one situation.  “You forgot to get gas, today.”  This is very different than, “You always forget to get gas when I ask you.”  Perhaps the other partner in the couple has forgotten to gas on multiple occasions when asked.   The difficulty of criticism is that it sets the tone of the conversation towards defensiveness and character flaws.  When any fight or argument is fueled by long-range character assassination, neither person in the couple will be open to feedback and curiosity—both of which are needed for change and movement.

Couples counseling can help the couple identify how they are using their words and emotions during fights.  It is NEVER as simple as “Use different words when fighting.”  That is not the point.  The point of couples therapy is help each partner get clear on what they are actually trying to communicate.  If one partner in the couple is wanting to communicate disappointment and sadness, then complaining is a much better option.  If that person is instead wanting to communicate anger and long-standing frustration and ridicule, then criticism is the better choice.  A great couples counselor should never be insistent that one method is better than another.  Instead, the couples therapy should focus on what the offended partner truly wants to communicate.

If you are having difficulty with your coupling, please feel free to give Chris Roberts a call at (615) 800-9260.  Chris is a couples therapist in Nashville, TN who enjoys helping couples get the love and connection they long for.