– Do You Feel Anxious or Angry in Your Relationship?

Last Updated on November 6, 2015 by Chris Roberts

LEARNING HOW TO CALM YOURSELF WITH YOUR PARTNER IN RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN

References “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships,” by David Schnarch, PH.D.

If you have noticed the connection and intimacy in your relationship is lagging in ways in your never dreamed possible, then relationship counseling in Nashville, TN could be the little bump you need to get things back on track.  Oftentimes, couples are hesitant to enter relationship counseling, because they fear old demons will be drug out of the closet or one partner or the other will be held over the coals in an intense interrogation procedure.  Truly helpful relationship counseling in Nashville, TN will seek to focus solely on the issue at hand, and provide both partners with realistic and helpful approaches for allowing both people to feel more excited and encouraged about being in their coupling.

Oftentimes, relationship counseling deals with the common occurrence of a phenomenon called anxiety, which frequently looks and feels more like anger.  Anger is usually a power play by one or both partners to emotionally control a situation in which the aggressor feels scared or anxious about a particular event.  And usually, the angry partner does not feel safe enough in the relationship to have a conversation about what is truly upsetting them.  Or at least, they do not feel vulnerable enough to have a curious conversation about what may be leading them to feel such a strong emotion as anger.

In situations such as these, relationship counseling can take the approach of dealing with each person’s anxiety between the couple that is causing so much of the conflict.  In a wonderful book about relationships entitled, “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships,” Dr. David Schnarch puts some great words as to how this occurs.  He writes, “If your spouse is your support system, when he or she gets nervous you have to grab onto him, physically or emotionally, or let go of him all together.  If you depend on your [relational partner] to “be there for you,” you have to be wary all the time.  When your [partner] is upset, you can’t relax when he’s holding on to you, and you can’t relax when he isn’t.” (p. 161)  In previous articles about anxiety counseling, we discussed how the definition of anxiety is living in a constant state of heightened awareness.  This definition matches up well with Dr. Schnarch’s words above, when he states “you have to be wary all the time.”  Being “wary all the time” is an exhausting state.  In relationships where anxiety exists within one or both partner’s individual selves, then that anxiety will most definitely affect the relationship dynamics.

If a good relationship counselor in Nashville, TN can help one or both partners understand that their own struggles with anxiety play a significant part in causing the discomfort in their relationship, then they are well on their way to moving out of the merry-go-round of conflict and anger and distance.

Relationship counseling in Nashville, TN is especially important, because there is a strong confluence of pressure in southern culture to help and comfort those in distress.  As we are raised to help all those in need, we especially believe we must be there for and be able to fully resolve our loved one’s needs.  This is a beautiful way to live life.  Being there for and comforting our loved one’s in need is a fundamental part what it takes to have healthy relationships.  However, if we feel we MUST be there for them when they are down or upset, then anxiety can start to creep in.  Anxiety creeps in, because we start to feel the pressure of needing to be there for our partner whenever there is the slightest hint of a downward spiral.  We believe that if we can comfort them before they really get upset, then they will be better off and so will we.  It’s a great idea!  The problem is that is makes us “wary all the time.”  We have to be watching ever so closely of any change in our partner’s behavior or attitude.

This is where relationship counseling in Nashville, Tennessee can be critical, because it can help each partner see their contribution to the breakdown and allow each partner to take responsibility for how the relationship has gotten to the place that it currently resides.  Perhaps one partner relies too heavily on the other person to comfort and help them.  Perhaps the other partner works too hard to comfort and help the other.  It is a very, very common cycle.  The answer does not lie in simply “not helping the other person.”  That would be cold and inauthentic for most people.  The “answer” lies in each person being willing to address how they have contributed to the current state and coming up with appropriate possibilities for how to engage the situation in the future.

As each partner learns through relationship counseling how their actions affect the overall dynamic of the relationship, each person feels more empowered to make changes that they believe are in the best interest of their overall enjoyment of each other.

Entering relationship counseling in Nashville, TN has anxieties of its own!  It takes a strong commitment and belief that there is something better out there than the current state.  If you are looking for relationship counseling in Nashville, Tennessee, please feel free to give Chris Roberts a call at (615) 800-9260 to discuss if Chris would be a good fit for you, or if you would like a referral to another qualified therapist in the Nashville area.