– Doing the Hard Work of Connecting: Nashville Couples Counseling

Last Updated on July 22, 2024 by Chris Roberts

I will pick up where I left off last week in my article, “How to Connect When We are Hurt,” and continue the example of processing our partner returning home late.

METABOLIZATION IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING

The work of Metabolization requires some reflection on the situation.  It means stepping out of the intense emotional escalation of the moment, but not losing touch with the affect that was catalyzed in the event.  The emotion we did experience (in this hypothetical situation) is important, because it is alerting us to something that is beginning to pattern itself in our relationship.  What I mean by this is that if this is the first time our partner is running late, typically it won’t elicit much of an emotional response from us, if any at all.  Most of the time, the first few instances an event occurs, we are much more likely to give our partners the benefit of the doubt and not make an issue out of it.

This is precisely what I mean by metabolization!!  We are looking not only for our own emotional response to the event, but also willing to identify the trend that we notice might be taking place.  And thirdly, we are looking for what we are “making up” about this/these events.  Using the phrase “making up” is an important linguistic tool to use with ourselves, because it helps remind us that we never know the intention of another person. NEVER!  We can only identify patterns and connect them to feeling states within our own bodies and minds.

COUPLES COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE TO HELP WITH METABOLIZATION

In this instance, if we notice that not only are we quite upset our partner is running late, but this continues to be a pattern over several months, we can very easily jump to conclusions about our partners intentions, or about their deliberate choices that are communicating their feelings about us.  Rarely are we right about our partners (or friends or family’s or co-workers) intentions.  Although it is a simple semantic adjustment, using the phrase, “what I am making up about x, y, z..” will reduce your partners defenses in a dramatic way.  Again, remember, the point of talking to our partners is ONLY for the goal that they will hear us, care about our feelings, and be willing to change or adjust their behavior.  

As I mentioned in the previous post, it is quite unfair to ask the person who has been hurt to do the arduous task of metabolization.  However, the reason I believe it is necessary, and in the long run, the MOST beneficial, is because the hurt partner is wanting connection and understanding MORE than anything else.  So, taking the time to metabolize the hurt, and process it in a manner that can make it more digestible and understandable to our partner is EXACTLY what WE are wanting in the conversation.

Sometimes, we are too hurt, or too run down to be able to metabolize well enough in order to move the conversation forward in a meaningful way.  This is where couples counseling in Nashville, TN can be so helpful.  A counselor can hear the hurt partner in a way that allows the experience to be put into words the offending partner can hear.  While this will obviously bring calmness and understanding to the immediate moment, it also allows both partners to hear how a well metabolized conversation can lead to a better outcome.

We all need help in learning to process our emotions in a way that brings about the greatest possibility for connection and reconciliation.  As in our example last week, even getting to an underlying cause for our exasperation doesn’t necessarily mean we’ve found the holy grail for knowing how to communicate with our partner.  We must also be able to put ourselves in our partners shoes and imagine how it would be for them to hear the message we are trying to deliver.  Without this last and crucial step, metabolization could be weaponized as tool to be more attacking in our misguided efforts to get our partners to “see” how much they’ve hurt us.

NASHVILLE COUPLES COUNSELING PROCESS

If you’re in a place with your spouse or partner or loved one and noticing that you’re stuck in cycles of trying to talk and work through things, but you keep finding yourselves locked into patterns that lead to dead ends, then Nashville Couples Counseling could be beneficial for you.  Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville has over 15 years of working as a counselor with couples in issues like this in order to help them get out of the cul-de-sac and moving forward with connection and hope.  Chris can be reached at (615) 800-9260 or chris@nashvillecounselor.net.  As always, I wish you all the best on your journey towards hope and healing.