– Fathers and Sons and Relationship Counseling in Nashville, TN

From: How to Love the World.  Poems of Gratitude and Hope.  Edited by James Crews.  2021.  Storey Publishing.

WORK

by: Sally Bliumis-Dunn

I could tell they were father and son, 

the air between them, slack as though 

they hardly noticed one another.

The father sanded the gunwales, 

the boy coiled the lines.

And I admired them there, each to his task 

in the quiet of the long familiar.

The sawdust coated the father’s arms 

like dusk coats grass in a field.

The boy worked next on the oarlocks 

polishing the brass until it gleamed 

as though he could harness the sun.

Who cares what they were thinking, 

lucky in their lives

that the spin of the genetic wheel 

slowed twice to a stop 

and landed each of them here.

By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP (Masters of Arts in Counseling and Psychology.  Licensed Professional Counselor with Mental Health Service Provider designation) Two Trees Counseling Nashville.  Relational Psychodynamic Therapy Certified Therapist Trainer and Consultant.

In previous posts I have described the significance fathers and mothers have in our lives.  But there is something uniquely specific about a father’s relationship with his son/s.  Not any more or less significant than a mother’s relationship with her son/s, but unique in a way I will try to outline in this article.

A son will always look up to and emulate a father whether for inspiration, or as a lesson of what not to do.   As a son attempts to make sense of his own life and continually develop into the ever-evolving idea of a man, he can’t escape the shadow of his own father.   And as we discussed in the previous article, even if the father was never around, or completely unknown, the archetype of “father” will always be unconsciously circulating in a child’s mind.  This poem captures such a beautiful landscape of father and son.  Their work appears so seamless together.  Together, but separate.  Working on the same project, but in different spaces.  Each making their own contribution to a larger subject.

INDIVIDUAL THERAPY IN NASHVILLE, TN FOR A FATHER, OR A SON

In individual counseling for young boys, we are taught as therapists to not necessarily look a boy in the eyes when we are speaking to them about something important.  We are encouraged as therapists to focus on an object, with the young boy focusing on the same object, as we casually bring up a topic that might contain pain, or embarrassment, or significance.  The reason, ironically so, is because boys feel the intensity of talking about such important topics so deeply, that we don’t want to overwhelm them with intimacy that is intensified when we are looking each other in the eyes.  We are trying to keep the level of emotional intimacy within a manageable realm by looking at something together, rather than each other.

This may seem a bit strange, if you have not been trained in psychotherapy or psychological principles.  On the outside, it would appear that young boys are a bit immune, even allergic, to emotional intimacy.  Boy, we are told, are not interested in talking about emotional or personal circumstances.  However, the opposite is usually true.  Boys have so little practice in talking about emotional situations, that when they are encountered with an emotional or serious topic, they can be overwhelmed by the intensity of the moment so much so that they can’t handle it.  Studies show that boys and girls have the same daily experiences of emotional reactions and stimuli, boys just typically learn earlier in life to avoid connecting to these emotional feelings within their bodies.

UNDERSTANDING THE EMOTIONAL LIFE OF FATHERS THROUGH NASHVILLE INDIVIDUAL THERAPY

When we come to understand how boys are unintentionally conditioned to ignore their emotional experiences, we can get a better, and perhaps more compassionate, understanding of why men seem so disconnected from their emotional realities.  And then, perhaps, we can better enjoy these moments as so eloquently elucidated in this poem. There is an intimacy that is created between father and son when they can focus their attention on the same issue, or project, or circumstance in a way that doesn’t need words.  It seems to me this poet is capturing this essence.  She is reveling in the beauty and synchronicity that is being created between the two of them.  Sure, in a perfect world, the father and son would sit down for a meal and discuss how wonderful it was to work together for so long on a complementary task.  And the father would linguistically express his appreciation and satisfaction and joy of working alongside his son…but we all know this probably won’t happen.  In fact, I believe the author is saying this is as good as it gets. And reveling in the beauty and joy that is shared between them, even if the two of them never speak about it directly.

As a father, or son, or daughter yourself, can you picture in your mind moments like this with your own father or son?  Where are you in the picture in your mind?  Are you on the outside watching the two of them?  Are you the son?  What are all the emotions and feelings you are experiencing?  Hopefully they are as sweet as they are longing…longing for more.  For more words, more connection, a deeper understanding of what each were feeling.  Fathers, as compared to mothers, have so much fewer words. We are always left with a longing for more words, and therefore a mysterious gap, from our father.

ARE YOU CONSIDERING INDIVIDUAL THERAPY IN MIDDLE TENNESSEE?

If you have been thinking about individual therapy in Tennessee, Chris Roberts is a licensed mental health counselor in the state of Tennessee.  Chris can see you in person in Nashville in his therapy private practice on Music Row.  Or, he can meet with you virtually anywhere in the state of Tennessee.  Chris has been practicing for over 15 years and would love to talk to you about your musings or interest in therapy in the greater Nashville area.  Chris Roberts can be reached at any time at: chris@nashvillecounselor.net, or (615) 800-9260.