– Finding Connection in Conflict

Last Updated on May 15, 2018 by Chris Roberts

HOW MARRIAGE COUNSELING CAN HELP A COUPLE FIND COMMON GROUND IN THE MIDST OF FIGHTING

It can’t really be considered a healthy marriage unless there is some conflict happening between marital partners.  The goal of marriage counseling is never to eliminate conflict or arguments.  Good marriage counseling should be more focused on understanding how the conflict occurred, and ways to more effectively manage the conflict.  People in general are passionate, endless, and unique.  It is not possible for two people to become so close that arguments and disagreements no longer occur.  Part of the excitement of marriage is that there is a never-ending exploration of the other partner, and how each person lives their own life, and how each person engages in the connection of marriage.

Marriage therapists can help a couple find connection and intrigue even in the midst of fighting or arguing.  A common fight among couples is that the man wants to go “out” with his guy friends, whether it be a weekend hunting expedition, or staying out late drinking with his friends.  In this example, the woman would rather stay at home, either with the kids, or by herself.  This example, by itself, is neither wrong or conflictual.  But oftentimes, the woman will say something to the effect of, “I just wish you didn’t have to go out and stay up all night, and get all wild and crazy with your friends.  I hate being at home by myself.  I get scared and lonely.”  The man, now defensive (and this is where the fighting begins) retorts with shooting down her accusations and shaming her loneliness.  He will say something like, “I don’t stay up ALL NIGHT, and we don’t get WILD AND CRAZY.  It’s just a few drinks with my friends.  And WHENEVER I go out, you ALWAYS become such a baby about being scared and lonely.  I just need some time to myself, and you NEVER understand that.”

There isn’t much of a conversation going on at this point, which is tantamount to understanding.  Neither person is really considering what the other is saying, and both are speaking in “always” and “nevers.”  Marriage therapy can be effective in helping each partner slow down and consider how their anger could be coming from their own desire to make the other person happy.  In this example, let’s say (which is often true) that the man does feel bad that his wife is a little lonely and a little scared when he stays out late.  Let’s also say that the woman wants her husband to have time with his friends, and feels bad that she isn’t strong enough to let him go out more.  Obviously, in the way they stated their communication to each other above, neither would have experienced the other partner as feeling “bad.”  But oftentimes, this “feeling bad for the other partner” is a core component of the fight.  There are always other issues at play, but this core part is usually somewhere in the mix.

If a marital counselor can help a couple see that their argument isn’t just about anger and selfishness, then there becomes an opening for an actual conversation between the marriage partners.  If the couple is willing to consider that there is more to the argument than just the actual words being thrown around, then the couple can be well on its way to reducing the time the spend arguing and fighting.

Chris Roberts is a Nashville marriage counselor who loves working with couples.  He can be reached at (615) 800-9260.  Marriage counseling should be a safe and open forum for couples to explore both their breakdown and their connection.  If you are looking for a marriage counselor in Nashville, TN, please feel free to contact Chris regarding his services or for a helpful referral.