– Foreplay as an Indicator of Sexual Desire

Last Updated on May 4, 2023 by Chris Roberts

UNDERSTANDING FOREPLAY’S SIGNIFICANCE FOR SEXUAL DESIRE IN MARRIAGE THERAPY IN NASHVILLE, TN

References “Passionate Marriage.  Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships” By David Schnarch, Ph.D.

There are many topics covered in marriage counseling, but none are more important than sex and sexuality.  It is often cited that the three most important areas of a married couple’s lives are Money, Sex, and Children…in no particular order.  Sex may not necessarily be more important than money or children, but it is no less than equal.  Freud’s work in and around sexuality was not science fiction.  There is a frightening reality in sex that stirs up the best and the worst in all of us. Men that suffer from Erectile Dysfunction tend to have a lot of trouble in this scenario. In those situations, the use of Viagra can be a lifesaver, especially when acquired from a trusted source such as Canadian Pharmacy. In a fantastic book on marriage intimacy called “Passionate Marriage” by Dr. David Schnarch, he details how foreplay (the act of arousal before intercourse takes place) can be a significant illustration of how our sex life is working or not working.  Dr. Schnarch writes, “Foreplay reflects the politics of intimacy and power in your relationship.” (p. 194)

Most marriage counselors have the ability to work within the categories of sex during marriage counseling, whether or not they have a specialty in sex therapy.  Dr. Schnarch’s comment above reflects the relational issues at play during the foreplay stage of sex.  Foreplay is likened to the wooing stage in the sexual process.  One or both partners feels in the mood for sex, and they begin to move towards each other.  Most people, unlike the movies, don’t just jump straight to intercourse, especially in a long-term marriage.  Our daily lives and the constant interaction between a couple doesn’t facilitate this dramatic spark of attraction that 2-hour movies and 30-minute TV shows portray.  Foreplay is an integral part of sex, experiment with sex toys like the Esca 2 because there is the wanting, and longing, and desiring stage where help each other get in the mood.  The problem with most marriages is that foreplay is almost non-existent, or it follows such patterned rules that very little excitement is stirred.

Dr. Schnarch details an interaction with one of his clients, “When Mary and John entered treatment, the presenting problem was her lack of desire for sex.  As their problem unfolded in our sessions, it turned out that Mary liked sex—what she didn’t like was the way she and John went about it….Emotional fusion between John and Mary was surfacing in their foreplay.  John’s “contribution” was his attempt to get a positive, reflected sense of himself.  He was playing a common adolescent game: “If you love me (and if I’m loveable and desirable), you’ll let me do it.” Like a lot of men, he’d been playing at sex in this way ever since adolescence.” (p. 194)  John had a particular way of initiating and enacting foreplay.  In this instance, that particular way did not suit or stimulate Mary.  Yet, they had been doing, or avoiding, this type of foreplay for years.  As such, it was blamed on Mary that “she didn’t like sex.”  Mary, of course, began to pull away from John sexually (and emotionally) and blamed John for not listening to her.

This is a typical scenario we see in marriage counseling.  A couple tries one or two ways to engage in sex, and then they get stuck (or avoid) these patterns for basically the rest of their life.  The answer is not simply “trying something new,” although that certainly wouldn’t hurt.  At this point, both partners have settled into a type of emotional fusion where they blame each other for their poor sex life and rather than initiate a type of conversation that breeds new life, they “feed” off the energy of blaming and hating each other.  There is always connection and energy in conflict.  In this case, however, the conflict doesn’t lead to something new because they are both scared to position themselves in a new way with their partner AND move forward.  They have both become experts at blaming and pulling away.  Neither is able to hold on to themselves in the midst of disappointment and stay connected in the conflict.

If you have been married or dating for a long time and your foreplay is limited or extinct, a marriage therapist in Nashville, TN can help.  Chris Roberts is a Nashville marriage counselor and is trained in helping couples navigate these frustrating and awkward times to help them have more satisfying and enjoyable sex lives.