– How Flooding Affects Our Relationships Through Nashville Marriage Counseling

Last Updated on May 4, 2023 by Chris Roberts

HOW FLOODING AFFECTS OUR RELATIONSHIP THROUGH NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Resource: 10 Lessons to Transform your Marriage. Dr. John Gottman. 2006

No one likes fighting. Even in the worst of marriages where it seems that conflict and fighting are the norm, no one actually enjoys or likes arguments. Nashville marriage counseling helps marriages shine the light on why couples fight so much and what happens during the arguments that keeps couples from understanding each other and moving forward.

In a wonderful book about keeping happy marriages by Dr. John Gottman entitled, “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, he expounds on one of the most commonly experienced emotions during fighting: Flooding. He writes, “Like many people, Candace and David often experience “flooding” when they’re emotionally upset. That is, their bodies release stress hormones into the blood, causing their breathing rates to increase and their hearts to race faster. It’s all part of the “fight or flight” alarm system that we human being inherited through evolution to mobilize our bodies to react in emergency situations. Although flooding may be a natural response to stress, it is rarely helpful in marital interaction. In fact, research links the tendency to flood under stress with higher rates of marital distress and divorce. For example, in one of our studies comparing couples who divorced with those to stayed married, husbands in the divorcing couples have heart rates that are 17 beats per minute higher than those of their counterparts in stable marriages. Flooding makes it harder to think, listen, and communicate effectively. One partner may fail to hear the other’s attempt at humor or reconciliation, for example. Flooding also gets in the way of empathy or create problem solving. It can cause people to feel “out of control.”(p. 63)

This description by Dr. Gottman is so fundamentally important to understand what happens to us during conflict. If we become flooded and our heart rate increases above a normal level, we no longer have the brain capacity to perform the normal functions required during a healthy conversation. As such, we become defensive, aggressive, and mean. Our flooding capacity narrows our focus of attention to one activity: Get out!! Although we may think we are acting normally or with proper care, we just aren’t able to see our impact or understand our partner’s when we are flooded. The only responsible choice during moments of flooding is to separate and calm down, so that our heart rate can lower. We cannot have a productive conversation if our heart rate is too high. This information alone and save many marriages.

MOVING BEYOND FLOODING IN NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Nashville marriage counseling does not recommend this strategy of separating and calming down as a long term solution to the problem of conflict. Just separating is not the answer. It is necessary in order to get us in a healthier place to actually listen and communicate. But, we must also realize that calming down is not the answer. Once we calm down, we must proactively reenter the conflictual conversation in order to create a reasonable solution to the problem that created the argument. But further research reinforces this necessary step of deescalating, “In general, a heart rate over 100 beats per minute indicates that a person’s heart is racing too fast for assimilating information and communicating effectively.”(p. 63)

Flooding is something that one or both spouses experience often during times of conflict. Nashville marriage counseling can help both couples understand their bodies more to help each of them determine when is a good time to have difficult conversation. Just listening to and knowing our physical symptoms can help couples stave off further damage through fighting. Fighting and arguing in itself is not bad or wrong. In fact, conflict is vitally healthy to a happy marriage. But, we must first learn the physical symptoms our body is communicating to us, before we can be in a good place to have these conversations.

If you or your spouse notices that flooding is happening in your difficult conversations, then Nashville marriage counseling may be a necessary step to help you both identify what is going on during these times. No one likes or enjoys conflict. But, conflict is a normal part of any healthy relationship. We must take the time to learn why our fights aren’t productive and what we can do to more effectively move them in a better direction. Chris Roberts is a licensed marriage counselor in Nashville, TN that loves helping couples determine better ways of managing these disagreements that cause flooding.