– How Marriage Therapy Helps Us See Alternatives

HOW BLACK AND WHITE THINKING DESTOYS OUR MARRIAGES AND HOW NASHVILLE MARRIAGE THERAPY CAN HELP

In a previous post, I expounded on the concepts of black and white thinking. Even if we are fully aware of what this concept means, we must constantly be vigilant to discover its ugly arms reaching into our most precious relationships. Based on that previous post, what I discussed is the draw towards black and white thinking, because not only does it require less thinking, but also creates a world where we can be “right.” In a marriage, there are already so many things vying for our time and attention: work, dishes, laundry, vacations, family, pets, etc, etc. Just these factors alone are enough to convince any sane person to find a simpler and easier way to navigate this overwhelming life. Unfortunately, what typically gets most easily forced into the realm of black and white thinking is our partner.

Depending on how long we have been with our partner, we at some point begin to erroneously believe that “know” our partner. We know “how” they think and how they are going to react and what the believe. We take the mystery out of our partner and therefore, take the mystery out of our relationship. Not only do we reduce our partner into a “simple” figure, we go further and make them all bad or all good.   We decide that the way they see the world is “wrong” and our way is “right.” Most of us are fairly decent people, and by that I mean that we don’t do this consciously. We don’t sit down one day and decide that our partner sees the world “wrong” and we see the world “right.” Most of us are self-aware enough to know this isn’t accurate or helpful thinking.

WHY BLACK AND WHITE THINKING BECOMES THE DEATH OF OUR MARRIAGE

BUT- we fall into this black and white thinking, because life gets hard and overwhelming and we are stressed out. The most overwhelmed and stressed out we are, the less likely we are to step back and examine our thoughts and intentions. This is exactly where Nashville marriage therapy can be so helpful. A major benefit to Nashville marriage therapy is that we each get to tell our side of the story and we each must stop and consider the other person’s perspective. Depending on how much distance and rigidity has been formed between a couple, this is a far more difficult task than we want to imagine. The plan is simple: listen and understand your partner’s perspective. The execution is maddening.

Of course, the question becomes: Why don’t we want to listen and understand our partner’s perspective? Part of the reason we don’t want to listen is because somewhere along the line we decided that their way of thinking is “wrong.” We don’t “need” to listen, because we already have our judgments about their way of viewing the world.

Did they, or we, all of the sudden become that “bad?” Of course not. It’s been years of slowing erasing the grey, eroding away the color, until all we have left is black and white; right and wrong. Black and white thinking will ALWAYS lead to the death of a marriage, even if we think we are both on the same side of the street.

CAN MARRIAGE THERAPY HELP?

Nashville marriage therapy can help only to the extent that we are each willing to see how we’ve contributed to the breakdown in the relationship. One of the major ways we each fail our partner is by becoming simplistic in our thinking and choose the comfort of being “right” over the tension of being curious. If you are looking for help in your marriage, then Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville could be of benefit to you. Chris has many years helping marriages rise above the coldness of black and white thinking and enter again the mystery and beauty of long-term relatedness.