– How Men are Wired Differently for Marriage: Part 2

Last Updated on July 4, 2014 by Chris Roberts

UNDERSTANDING SOME BASIC DIFFERENCES IN THE MALE GENDER FOR EMPATHY IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN

References “The Male Brain.” By Louann Brizendine, M.D.

We discussed in a previous article on marriage counseling how the male brain is wired differently than the female brain. Medical doctor Louann Brizendine has compiled some pretty compelling research on how this is so in her fantastic book, The Male Brain. In this book, she outlines some very interesting research studies on how boys interact differently with certain stimuli. In this article, we will talk about how boys don’t recognize facial cues as easily or quickly as girls. It is of importance to note there are always other factors at play when attempting to dileniate the differences between males and females. No child is born into a vaccum where there haven’t been social influences, both intentional and unintentional, on how a boy or girl is steered based on their gender. These factors will always be at play. For the sake of this article, we will simply put those arguments aside and focus on the issue that addressed in the research.

The best marriages are ones in which each partner is in tune to what the other spouse is trying to communicate, both verbally and nonverbally. When a couple is in a relationship for any period of time, there are always patterns and inflections and facial expressions that we pick up on. Those facial expressions and verbal inflections give context for what the person might be communicating, even if the words aren’t the perfect mediator. So much of communication is non-verbal! As such, Dr. Brizendine highlights an article where is appears boys are less attuned to facial expressions than girls. Dr. Brizendine writes, “Researchers asked mothers of one-year-old boys and girls to participate in an experiment in which an interesting but forbidden toy was placed on a small table in the room with them. Each mother was told to signal fear or danger with only her facial expressions, indicating that the child should not touch it. Most of the girls heeded their mother’s facial warning, but the boy seemed not to care, acting like they were magnetically pulled toward the forbidden object. The young male brains may have been more driven than the girls’ by the thrill and reward or grabbing the desired object, even at the risk of punishment. And this also happens with fathers. In another study, with dads and their one-year-olds, the boys tried to reach forbidden objects more often than girls. The fathers had to give twice as many verbal warnings to their sons as to their daughters.”(p. 15)

Women are better hard-wired for the verbal and intuitive communication of marriage than men. In the example above, boys (perhaps driven by the thrill of an off-limits toy) were much more easily able to dismiss their parent’s cues than girls. This is not a bad thing! It simply is the reality of boys! But for marriages, and any relationships, it means that boys just haven’t had as much practice at reading and responding appropriately to facial cues and verbal instructions. Girls, even at one year of age, are more concerned and attuned to their mother’s face and body posture than boys. If there really is an inherent, biological difference between males and females, then this means that men won’t ever be as good at reading tone, inflection, and facial expressions as women. So many women are frustrated (and reasonably so) at men for their lack of empathy and attunement to the nuances of feelings and emotions. The problem with a woman’s frustration at this, is that it doesn’t take into account the reality that men aren’t as naturally affected and interested in these empathetic cues. This is no way gives a man a free pass. In fact, just the opposite is true. If a man wants a thriving, healthy marriage, he must do a lot more work to connect to his wife. What this study does show, however, is that for a man to read a person’s facial cues and bodily nuances, he has to do a lot more work than a female.

A LITTLE WORK GOES A LONG WAY IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Sometimes marriage counseling can simply be about helping couples re-frame how they are viewing conflict and frustration. If a woman becomes more aware of how much more difficult it is for a man to tune in to his wife’s subtle cues, she can be more grateful for the work he is putting in, rather than frustrated at his apparent dismissal. This, in many ways, is the essence of relationship and the cornerstone of a healthy marriage. Will each partner do the hard work of looking for the ways in which both people are actually trying to make the marriage work? This takes work, effort, humility, and hope. These are also the things that erode the quickest when partners feel distant and hurt by each other.

Marriage counseling in Nashville, Tennessee can be an effective place for each partner to learn a little bit more about how the other works and gain a little perspective as to how their breakdown has occurred. One of the hardest things to see as a marriage counselor is when both partners are trying so hard to connect with each other, but neither feels the other is trying. It is heartbreaking. But it doesn’t have to be so!