– How Relationship Counseling Can Help Us Get Unstuck

DEMON DIALOGUES: THE DANCE OF PROTEST

References “Hold me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

Relationship counseling can be a helpful place to begin to explore the unhealthy patterns of conversations with our loved ones.  Patterns of conversations exist in any relationship.   We create patterns with our loved ones, because it makes it quicker and easier to connect with what they are saying.  There are rewards and costs to these patterns.  The reward comes when there are healthy patterns and we learn to expect that our partner is loving and caring and compassionate.  The cost comes when we are anticipating that our loved one will be hurtful or dismissive to us, and so we stop being open to care and compassion and only look for attacks or contempt.

Relationship Counseling can help a couple begin to see more clearly their unhealthy patterns of conversation and relational engagement.  Being able to see how we are engaging in these patterns is a critical first step for breaking these cycles.  In Dr. Sue Johnson’s book, Hold Me Tight, she outlines a few types of unhealthy conversational patterns they can lead to a breakdown in relational happiness.  In a previous article about relationship counseling, we talked about the Find the Bad Guy conversation that leads to relational breakdown.  The next type of conversational pattern that hurts couples is what Dr. Johnson calls the Protest Polka.

Dr. Johnson calls the Protest Polka the “most widespread and ensnaring dance in relationships.” (p. 74) She references Dr. John Gottman’s research that claims, “many of the couples who fall into this pattern early in marriage do not make it to their fifth anniversary.” (p. 74)  She describes the Protest Polka in this way: “The main moves of the Protest Polka create a stable loop, each move calling forth and reinforcing the next.  One partner reaches out, albeit in a negative way, and the other steps back, and the pattern repeats.  The dance also goes on forever because the emotions and needs behind the dance are the most powerful on this planet.  Attachment relationships are the only ties on Earth where any response is better than none.” (p. 74)

Relationship Counseling teaches that all patterns have costs and rewards.  This means that although the Protest Polka is damaging to relationships (that is the cost), the reward is that each partner feels connected to each other (even though it is not a pleasant feeling connection.)  This is what Dr. Johnson means when she says that attachment relationships are the most powerful on the planet.  As humans, we deeply fear being alone and lonely, even if we are completely unaware of this fear.  As a general rule, males are more likely to be unaware of this loneliness and therefore usually blame the female for being too “clingy.”  The breakdown in logic for males is that the males’ conscious effort in “pulling away” is an unconscious emotional response to his partner’s action.  This “pulling away” indicates an exercise in power in the relationship.  It is a relational move and implies a type of connection, albeit an unhealthy one.

Relationship Counseling can help a couple break the patterns of the Protest Polka, but it will take concerted effort by both partners.  Each partner in the dance will have to be willing to notice when the polka happens, to understand how it affects each partner, and to grasp how the underlying attachment issues are deeply embedded in this process.  The Protest Polka signifies that there is insecurity and loneliness at stake.  If the partners are willing to see the polka as vulnerability, then they can be well on their way to changing their conversations and their relationships!

Relationship counseling can be an opportunity to turn unhealthy conversations into healthy patterns with important loved ones.  Usually, it will involve some discomfort and struggling.  But that discomfort and struggling just proves once again how sacred and important are relationships are.

If you are looking for relationship counseling in Nashville, TN please feel free to give us a call at (615) 800-9260.  I am a relationship counselor in Nashville and my name is Chris Roberts.  I would love the opportunity to work with you, or point you in the direction of someone else in the Nashville area!