– How to Connect When We are Hurt: Counseling in Nashville, TN

Last Updated on July 13, 2024 by Chris Roberts

I am going to continue this thread of learning how to metabolize our feelings when we are upset, or hurt, or just feeling something strongly in general.  I’ll be jumping off this article, learning how to speak truthfully, that I posted last week.

METABOLIZATION IN COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN

I briefly metioned the idea of Metabolization in my last article.  Metabolization is a foundational principle when learning how to connect when we are hurt.  We can’t expect to be met, or to be listened to fully, if we just start vomiting our feelings AT our partner, or the person who hurt us.  If we are just dumping our unprocessed emotions at our loved ones, we are going to overstimulate their nervous system, and they are going to shut down or get defensive or start dumping back on us.  None of those 3 responses will be helpful for connecting in general, but especially when we are already hurting and feeling fragile.

It may seem unfair to ask the person who was hurt to be the one doing the processing and metabolizing. I can’t argue with you there.  It does have a sense of unfairness.  However, if, as the hurt person, what we are wanting is understanding, compassion, and re-connection, then are going to HAVE to do some sort of metabolizing, in order for us to be in a place to present our concerns in a way that our partner can hear them.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO METABOLIZE WHEN WE ARE HURT?

Most us did not learn how to effectively process our feelings when we were growing up.  Most of our parents weren’t taught this, and so they had no idea how to do it themselves.  And the cycle repeats itself ad infinitum.  So, that’s the first reason it is difficult: we are learning a brand new skill.  Like, learning how to do a handstand.  Most of us aren’t born with the natural ability to do a handstand.  But, with enough effort and proper learning and proper practice, most of us “can” learn to do a handstand.  Second, anytime we are escalated in our energy, because we are hurt, or disappointed, or upset, our own defensive mechanisms set in, and we are either on the aggressive or the defensive end of the spectrum.  We have to find a way to calm our own nervous system, while at the same time, staying in touch with the feeling or experience from the situation.  This is incredibly complex, and a difficult balancing act, to say the least (i.e. like a handstand).

If we get too logical, and distant from our emotions, in our effort to communicate with our partner, then they will probably get logical as well, and we won’t feel met and understood.  This is why we have to do the incredible balancing act of staying in touch with our emotional experience of the situation, while also working to stay grounded in our own sense of self, and not resort to blaming, collapsing, or dumping.

Metabolization starts with the reflective question of: What is it (as best as I can describe) that I am actually feeling?  To continue with the example from the previous post- our partner said they would be home at 5:30pm, but they don’t get home until close to 6:00pm.  What might I possibly be feeling?  What I can imagine is this: feeling frustrated at my partner.  How did get to the feeling of frustration?  Well, I felt disappointed that they said they’d be home at 5:30pm, but were late.  How did I get to feel disappointed?  Well, they told me they would be home at 5:30pm, and so I planned my day around their commitment to be home at that time.  Okay, why does them being home at 5:30pm matter to me?  Well, I get excited to see them. I get my hopes up.  And then I realize I was really looking forward to seeing them at 5:30pm!  Now, this gets to be the tricky part- I can still be feeling a very strong sense of disappointment, and I can use my new insight that I was excited to be with them to express even louder how much they hurt me!  But, this is where I would say we are only halfway through the metabolization process.

CAN INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE HELP?

Hopefully you can already see at this point, how difficult and tricky metabolization can be.  We create reflective questions for ourselves, and get underneath the intense feeling we are experiencing on the surface.  But, sometimes, this can lead to even more intense feelings and pain.  The process up this point is already proof enough of why people don’t take the necessary step of metabolization- Why would I want to feel MORE pain???  And yet, we have to keep going, if we are going to find a place where we can communicate with our partner in a manner that helps us get our need of connection met.

Counseling is a place where a licensed, professional counselor can reflect back to you how they are experiencing you!  A counselor’s job is not simply to affirm and encourage.  A counselor must always be willing to honest and authentic in their responses to clients.  In this case, if a counselor heard a client say, “I realized that I got my hopes up, and that is why I’m so upset.  I’m going to go home and tell my partner this!” a good counselor might say, “Yes, you’ve done some hard work to gain better insight into why you’re upset.  However, if you just go home and unload on your partner your new insight, it’s still not going to get you the connection you’re craving.”  We’ll dive deeper into next steps in a future blog.

CHRIS ROBERTS AT TWO TREES COUNSELING NASHVILLE

If you’re finding yourself in a place where you want to do the hard work of understanding how you can be better at expressing yourself with loved ones, then counseling can be a great option.  Chris Roberts is a counselor in Nashville, TN with over 15 years experience working with couples and individuals.  Metabolization is a core principle for dealing with most issues and especially conflict in our lives.  If you would like schedule a session with Chris, or just talk with him more about your concerns, you can reach him at: chris@nashvillecounselor.net, or at (615) 800-9260