– How to Rebuild Trust After an Affair Through Nashville Couples Counseling

Last Updated on May 4, 2023 by Chris Roberts

LEARNING TO REBUILD TRUST AFTER A PARTNER CHEATS THROUGH NASHVILLE COUPLES COUNSELING

Reference: “After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust when a Partner has been Unfaithful.” 2012. Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.

There are few things as devastating to a relationship as an affair. It’s not just that one partner went outside the relationship to find something they weren’t getting and all the ramifications that are induced by that situation. At the most core level, what was broken was trust. There was an implied or an overt promise to commit to monogamy between the two parties. Whether you believe in monogamy or not is beside the point. If two partners enter into some form of agreement that they will engage in certain levels of intimacy with just their mate, then it is this promise- their word- that has been broken.

THE CHAOS AFTER THE AFFAIR

Once the affair is discovered, many couples will seek Nashville couples counseling to help them stop the bleeding and try to figure out where to head from here. Both partners are usually reeling. The hurt partner can’t find solid ground to establish any sort of stability. The affair partner is overwhelmed with confusion, guilt, and ambivalence. Perhaps communication between the two is the worst it has ever been; perhaps it is the best. I’ve seen both in my office. Both are just as mystifying and dizzying.

HOW TO MOVE FORWARD THROUGH NASHVILLE COUPLES COUNSELING

In a seminal work by Dr. Janis Abrams Spring, she describes some clear steps for each partner to rebuild trust and try to repair the relationship. She writes,

“Trust is not a gift. It must be earned, and not with verbal reassurances alone, but with specific changes in behavior. You, the unfaithful partner, need to demonstrate to your partner through bold, concrete actions that “I’m committed to you. You’re safe with me.” You, the hurt partner need to open yourself to the possibility of trusting again, and reinforce your partner’s efforts to win back your confidence…You need to spell out exactly what your partner can do for you, and give this person a road map back into your life.”(p.157)

In a difficult statement, Dr. Abrams Spring declares the hard work that BOTH partners must make efforts to repair the relationship. It might seem in the beginning that the unfaithful partner needs to do all the work. However, if the hurt partner never opens themselves up, voluntarily and intentionally, to the unfaithful partner, there is nothing the unfaithful partner can do to gain back their trust. Although trust must be earned, it must also be given. The difficult and risky work of the hurt partner is to open themselves back up to the unfaithful partner—with the reality that they can be hurt again.

THE DIFFICULT WORK

If you are in a relationship where an affair has happened, just know you aren’t going to fill normal for a while. The hope of Nashville couples counseling is to help couples identify what went wrong, and where and when, and help them determine the best path for moving forward. In a future article, we will talk more about what is necessary to help rebuild trust.

REACHING OUT FOR NASHVILLE COUPLES COUNSELING

If you are in the midst of working through an affair, Chris Roberts is a licensed professional counselor with many years working with couples just like yourself. He can be reached at (615) 800-9260 or through email at chris@nashvillecounselor.net. Chris will work with both of you to make sure you get the best help with your relationship.