– How To Repair Your Marriage After a Fight

Last Updated on October 5, 2015 by Chris Roberts

LEARNING WAYS TO RECONNECT AFTER AN ARGUMENT IN MARRIAGE THERAPY

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Many people believe it is pretty simple to apologize after a fight or argument with their spouse.  It may be simple, but it is not straightforward or easy.  This is where marriage therapy can become helpful.  Oftentimes, couples only enter marriage counseling when things get really bad in the marriage, or there has been a huge fight.  Especially when there has been a massive argument or really ugly fight, most couples believe there will be some form of apology and usually one spouse or the other will be more to blame for the fight.  This is how most couples come to believe that an apology is simple.

Part of the beauty of marriage counseling is helping couples see that there are other alternatives to resolve conflict or disagreements.  As a marriage counselor in Nashville, TN, I have experience working with a variety of marriages who have all struggled with some type of arguing or fighting.  There is always conflict in marriage, because there is always conflict in love.  Sometimes, couples need a little bit of help in how to repair a rift between the two of them.  Most people haven’t had healthy role models as far as how to reconnect and move on after a fight.

As one of the most experienced marriage counselors in the nation, Dr. John Gottman has written a book that helps explain why couples aren’t good at repairing after a fight called, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” In this book, Dr. Gottman writes, “Repair attempts save marriages not just because they decrease emotional tension between spouses, but because by lowering the stress level they also prevent your heart from racing and making you feel flooded.” (p. 39)  Sometimes, just by cooling down in the midst of an argument, or taking a break, the couple can more effectively engage the disruption between them and prevent a major meltdown.  And although apologizing is the typical form that most couples know regarding repairing the relationship after a fight, an apology is never that simple.  Dr. Gottman breaks down how an apology isn’t always “just an apology.”  H writes, “ In unhappy marriages a feedback loop develops…The more comtemptuous and defensive the couple is with each other, the more flooding occurs, and the harder it is to hear and respond to a repair.  And since the repair is not heard, the contempt and defensiveness just get heightened, making flooding more pronounced, which makes it more difficult to hear the next repair attempt, until finally one partner withdraws.” (p. 40)  This is the danger of believing that a simple apology is all that is needed.

Good marriage therapists know that it is never this easy.  Quality marriage counseling takes into account previous attempts at reconciliation and how those efforts were undertaken and received.  Based on Dr. Gottman’s statements above, sometimes apologizing can actually make things worse.  If neither partner is able to hear the other partner attempting repair, it will only heighten the negativity within the marriage.

There are many qualified marriage counselors in Nashville, TN who understand the complexities of marriage and are willing to work with even the most frustrated and distant couples.  Two Trees Counseling Nashville can work with you to find an expert counselor in Nashville, Tennessee that best meets your needs.  Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville would love the opportunity to talk with you more about your concerns and your needs.