– How to Start Conflict with Your Spouse

Last Updated on September 26, 2013 by Chris Roberts

A FEW SIMPLE TIPS FOR ENGAGING IN CONFLICT WITH YOUR MARRIAGE PARTNER

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

There are always arguments in marriage.  Marriage counselors should be the first to help normalize this statement.  Marriage counseling, and the goal of marriage, is NOT to eliminate fights and conflict.  That is impossible. The best marriage therapists help couples learn to navigate these disagreements in ways that promote connection and fruition.  In Dr. John Gottman’s fantastic book on marriage entitled, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” he makes the strong statement, “Most marital arguments cannot be resolved.” (p. 23)  This statement in and of itself is one of the more difficult concepts for marriage partners to accept.  In some form or fashion, it seems we were all taught that conflict is bad or wrong, or that it needs to go away.  True, conflict is rarely enjoyable, but conflict is a part of life and is usually a good part of a healthy marriage.  The difficulty of marriage arises when we don’t know how to engage productively in conflict, or when we are so scared of arguments that we do everything we can do avoid them or dismiss them.

Dr. Gottman’s cornerstone statement that most of the disagreements in marriage can’t be solved can serve as a lynchpen for viewing fights in a different manner.  And therapy with our spouse can be used as a tool to help find a new way to disagree.  As a therapist in Nashville, TN who specializes in marriage, Chris Roberts works with couples to help them reduce the tension in their arguments and learn better ways to engage conflict ridden conversations.  Chris understands that most couples come to marriage counseling with the hope of learning a few quick steps to eliminate their fights and feel more in love with each other.   And while those two stipulations are the epitome of effective marriage counseling, oftentimes it takes a more global understanding of how arguments happen before those two goals can be accomplished.

Marriage counseling can help couples learn such basics as Dr. Gottman points out, “96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute interaction!  A harsh setup simply dooms you to failure.  So if you begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a breather, and start over.” (p. 27)  Dr. Gottman defines a harsh setup as, “When a discussion leads off…with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt.”  So basically, even if the spouse who begins the conversation with good intentions, or for a good purpose, starts with a harsh setup, the conversation is doomed to fail.  The BEST action step to take when an argument begins with a harsh setup is to stop, take a minute to calm down, and then try to start over with a new approach.  Most couples don’t do this.  And usually, the spouse who begins the conversation feels entitled to push through and make their point known, even though the research indicates that if the conversation starts off with a bad beginning, the conflict is only going to get worse.

Finding a marriage counselor in Nashville, TN is never an easy thing.  It takes courage to start the search and even more bravery to make the call and set up an appointment.  Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville would love the opportunity to speak with you more about your concerns to determine if Chris would be a good fit for your marriage, or refer you to someone else.  You can contact him via email at chriskroberts@gmail.com, or call him at (615) 800-9260.