– How to Think When We are Stuck: Nashville Therapy

Last Updated on July 28, 2024 by Chris Roberts

In this post, I’m going to continue the conversation we started from this blog, The Hard Work of Connecting, and this blog, How to Connect When We Are Hurt.  Both of these articles contain helpful counseling and psychological insights, and they will both be used as a springboard for this Nashville therapy blog post.

METABOLIZATION IN THERAPY AND AT HOME

Like we mentioned in the previous post, it has a sense of unfairness to it, that the person who has been hurt, must also be the person to use the skill of metabolization when wanting to communicate with our partner who has hurt us.  But, once we’ve accepted that reality, we must now put it into practice.  What does this look like, exactly?  Well, one of the ways we can see this work is when we are in a therapy session individually or with our partner.  Typically, a client will start to elucidate on a situation that caused them pain or frustration.  The therapist will listen whole heartedly, and then offer a thought-through response on their experience of the situation, and what other insights might be gleaned from the experience.  How a therapist does this will be very similar to what I’m explaining for any person to do when they are stuck in a moment of anger or frustration or disappointment with their partner or loved one.

The most basic premise is: reflection.  This is a psychological move that gets us at least somewhat out of the intensity of the moment.  Reflection is about asking ourselves the questions: What am I feeling?  When did this feeling begin?  What do I think is going on here?  Have I felt this feeling before?  What am I making up about my partner, or myself, in the situation?

The twist, here, is that I’m no longer simply looking to be more “right” about my hurt and anger.  Like we mentioned in the previous post, if I am simply looking for more “proof” that my partner is out to get me, or that I’m more of a victim, then I am even less likely to present my experience of the situation in a way that my partner can hear me.  The question, “What am I making up about my partner or myself?” is a great segue into processing more internally about the full scope of the event.

USING NASHVILLE THERAPY TO LOOK MORE AT OURSELVES THAN OUR PARTNER

The metabolization process starts to turn the questions upon ourselves.  For instance, “Did one of my parents come home perpetually late?” or, “Why am I taking this so personally that they are coming home late? or, “I usually get upset and yell at my partner when they come home late, but I’ve tried that multiple times and it hasn’t worked.  Is there a better strategy for me to communicate with them that might yield better results?”  Also, are we able to zoom out and reflect on our partner’s overall actions and commitment to the relationship?  In this reflection, are we able to offer any grace for the late arrival and find a way to appreciate the work and effort they are putting into their vocation?  The latter doesn’t nullify the former.  Just because we can offer appreciation for their level of care and dedication to their work, doesn’t mean we aren’t ALSO hurt and upset that they continue to come home late.  It’s just that they are BOTH true.  

Metabolization can give us the expansive understanding that while we don’t like them coming home later than they promised, them coming home late might be a sign THEY are stressed or overworked or worried about finances.  Neither feeling trump the other.  But, if we want our parter to be available to hear our distress in the moment, we also need to be able to hear and care about theirs.

CHRIS ROBERTS THERAPIST IN NASHVILLE, TN

Being in relationship, but also human in general, is a difficult task.  We want to be loved and to be capable of loving.  If we get too fixated on just being loved, we miss out on the wonderful experience of being loving and caring individuals.  But, we can also get too fixed on being loving and caring, and miss out on the beauty of being loved.  A good therapist can help us find a balance of the two.  

Chris Roberts has been working as a therapist with couples and individuals for over 15 years in Nashville, Tennessee.  Chris would love to talk with you more about your concerns and your goals.  You can reach out to Chris at: chris@nashvillecounselor.net or (615) 800-9260.