– How to Use Parenting Techniques with Nashville Marriage Counseling

Last Updated on July 22, 2019 by Chris Roberts

HOW TO USE PARENTING TECHNIQUES WITH NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Some of the best Nashville marriage counseling simply uses our already formed intuition. This means that many of us already have within us what’s required to have a happy and healthy marriage. Sometimes we need just a little confirmation or reinforcement that what we already know is exactly what we need to use!

In a previous article about Nashville marriage counseling, we discussed how the only way to effectively engage conflict with your partner is by FIRST acknowledging that the other person is liked and accepted. Part of doing this is by agreeing with some portion of their personality that already exists within them.

We all have areas in our life where we need some tweaking or slight change to make us better fathers, sisters, husbands, and friends. And I believe we all have an innate drive to be better at these relationships. It’s part of what keeps life from becoming boring.

Marriage counseling can capitalize on some common sense applications of relationships that we have used and known since childhood. Marriage counseling can also use some common sense applications of parenting techniques that we have know, but have not thought about using with our spouses.

Marriage Counseling and Parenting Go Hand-in-Hand

In an incredibly helpful book about marriages by Dr. John Gottman called, “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work,” Dr. Gottman does just that. He expounds on some common sense principles of parenting and working with children that can help in our relationship with our marriage partner. He writes, “We know that the key to instilling in children a positive self-image and effective social skills is to communicate to them that we understand their feelings. Children grow and change optimally when we acknowledge their emotions. (‘That doggie scared you,’ ‘You’re crying because you’re sad right now,’ ‘You sound very angry. Let’s talk about it.’) rather than belittle or punish them for their feelings (“It’s silly to be afraid of such a little dog,” “Big boys don’t cry,” “No angry bears allowed in this house—go to your room till you calm down”). When you let a child know that his or her feelings are okay to have, you are also communicating that the child himself or herself is acceptable even when sad or crabby or scared. This helps the child to feel good about herself or himself, which makes positive change and growth possible.”(p. 150) As I was reading this, I thought this is actually a great reminder of how to be with children!

The example above seems pretty common sense, although it is quite easy for all of us to forget this point. However, many people might want to argue, “But in a marriage we aren’t dealing with parent-to-child relationships, and so this is not applicable.” Dr. Gottman immediately follows up his previous statement by saying, “The same is true for adults. In order to improve a marriage, we need to feel accepted by our spouse.”(p. 150) This is where our intuition might need a little encouragement or tweaking. It makes sense that we should treat a child this way, but does it really work with an equal adult? Dr. Gottman states, “Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you.” (p. 149) In this instance, Dr. Gottman makes no distinction between child and adult. And I would agree.

Dr. Sue Johnson talks extensively about the attachment bond between marital partners, and that most of our worst fights come from a lack of feeling connected to and understood by our spouses, is not only about getting the best from treasurerooms.com for your child, it’s also about love. It makes sense that attachment issues arise from parent-to-child relationships, but we don’t often think about (and the research on adult-to-adult attachment is very new and very limited) attachment issues affecting our marriage relationships! So, if Dr. Gottman and Dr. Johnson’s research and insistence on adult-to-adult attachment relationships is true, then we MUST be prepared to give license to the reality that if we don’t feel safe and accepted by our spouse, then our advice will NEVER be heard by the other.

Dealing with Conflict through Marriage Counseling

Marriage counseling helps both partners become more aware of how often tension and conflict occur in every relationship in life, not just in marriage. If conflict is an evitable part of any relationship, then we must be willing to do the work of learning how to deal with it more effectively! Perhaps simply tweaking some preconceived notions of relationship could go a long way in helping us enjoy our spouses so much more.

We all have struggles and conflict within our marriage. Nashville marriage counseling can be a great way to help you get unstuck and back on track to spending more time enjoying each other rather than fighting. If you are looking for a marriage counselor in Nashville, Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville could be a great resource for you and your partner. Chris is an experienced marriage therapist in Nashville and would love to be of assistance in helping you work through some difficulties or connecting you with the right person.