– How We Get Stuck In Patterns of Arguing

Last Updated on October 12, 2015 by Chris Roberts

LEARNING WHY WE REPEAT ARGUMENTS WITH OUR SPOUSES THROUGH MARRIAGE THERAPY IN NASHVILLE, TN

References “Hold Me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

There are many different types of arguments that get addressed during marriage counseling in Nashville, TN. One of the most common types of arguments is what Dr. Sue Johnson calls “the content tube.” We will describe this in more detail later. A bigger issue is how we get so easily sucked into arguments with the one we love and how they become so repetitive! Most of us have experienced this type of repetitive behavior that exists in a realm that seems to go against the core of our being. We ultimately don’t want to fight with the ones we love. We want to love them and be in love with them. At the beginning of all love relationships, we couldn’t imagine a time when we would be fighting all the time, or stuck in loops of repetitive disagreements and frustrations. Unfortunately, so many marriages eventually fall into this pattern. We fight. We hate to fight and promise not to do it again. We do it again. We kiss and make up and try to learn from our mistakes. We fight again. And again…and again. Many times, it is the same exact fight and disagreement. Why do we fight over and over again?

In a fantastic book that helps couples understand their marriage connection called “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson, she describes one of the reasons why this fighting persists. She writes, “Once we get caught in a negative pattern, we expect it, watch for it, and react even faster when we think we see it coming…By being wary and anticipating being hurt, we close off all the ways out of the dead-end [fight]. We cannot relax with our partners, and we certainly cannot connect with or confide in them. The range of responses becomes more restricted, slowly deadening the relationship.”(p. 69) So, the very fight that got us agitated in the first place, becomes the common ground where we sink back into during other disagreements. We know how to fight that original fight and so it becomes repetitive and vicious. She goes on to say, “When we are attacking or counterattacking, we try to put our feelings aside. After a while we can’t find them at all. Without feelings as our compass in the territory of close relationships, we are effectively lost.”(p. 69) In a succinct, yet complicated statement, Dr. Johnson sums up how fighting gets us stuck and distant and repetitive. We need our feelings of hurt and disappointment and sadness and longing to be present when we are communicating conflict with our spouses. Yet, in fighting, these are the very things we cast aside. What do we fight with, instead?

Dr. Johnson transcripts a fight between a couple in her office:

“Pam: I am just not going to sit here and listen to you tell me how impossible I am anymore. According to you, everything that ever goes wrong between us is my fault!

Jim: I never said that at all. You just exaggerate everything. You are so negative. Like the other day when my friend came over and everything was going fine, but then you turned as said…”(p. 70)

Dr. Johnson then goes on to talk about the “content tube” and how that applies to the above fight. She writes, “Jim is off and sliding down what I call the Content Tube. This is where partners bring up detailed example after detailed example of each other’s failures to prove their point. The couple fight over whether these details are “true” and whose bad behavior “started this.”(p. 71) This is a marvelous description of what happens between so many couples when they are fighting. It’s an endless loop, void of feelings and honest discussions about hope and longing.

Dr. Johnson gives some practical advice for how to get out of this pattern:

• “Stay in the present and focus on what is happening between them right now
• Look at the circle of criticism that spins both of them around. There is no true “start” to a circle.
• Consider the circle, the dance, as their enemy and the consequences of not breaking the cycle.”(p. 71)

Helping couples break these patterns of anger and fighting is not as simple as the above mentioned steps, but they are a good start. Anytime a couple can recognize the pattern as the bad guy, and not each other, they will be much further down the road of connection rather than fighting.

A good marriage counselor in Nashville, TN understands the complications and nuances of fighting. We all fight for a reason. Helping couples get to the reasons underlying their fighting can lead to a greater sense of intimacy and connection.

If you are looking for help to break your patterns of fighting in your marriage, Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville would love to be of assistance. Taking the first step of reaching out to a marriage counselor is a difficult and vulnerable process and Chris understands this.