– It only takes one to change a marriage

Last Updated on May 6, 2014 by Chris Roberts

BECOMING MORE CLEAR IN YOUR DESIRE FOR GREATER CONNECTION THROUGH MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE TN

References “Passionate Marriage. Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships” By David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Marriage therapy only needs the will of one partner to change the condition of the whole marriage. This may seem like a bit of a contradiction, since two people usually enter the marriage counseling sessions. However, if you take a second to think about your own marriage or of the many marriages you’ve heard about, it usually renders true that One partner fought for the idea of marriage counseling in the first place. It is very rare that both partners have the same level of intensity and investment in beginning and continuing the marital counseling process. This simple fact underscores the reality that a marriage can dramatically change with the consistent effort of just one partner.

We have discussed in previous articles about marriage counseling that it is a reality that in every marriage there is one partner who wants and needs intimacy more than the other partner. There is nothing inherently wrong with this system. It just is. But there are obviously tens of thousands of marriages that continue to function, and some of them quite well, within this system. In essence, this system of one partner wanting intimacy more than the other, is not something that needs to be fixed or resolved. What it does mean is that this is not an excuse to quit the marriage or live in constant anger or frustration at your partner. If you are the one who desires intimacy more than your partner, it simply means you will bear the burden of pushing the limits of your relationship more often than your spouse. Perhaps it would be better for you to get out and find another partner…or, perhaps, this is how you show up in all your relationships and you will ALWAYS be the one who desires intimacy more! If this is the case, which I believe it almost always is, then it is more of your lot in life, rather than your burden to bear. If you have a deeper longing for intimacy, then this your gift you bring to the world. We all have our gifts.

Marriage counseling can help couples identify who might be considered more of the “pursuer” and how that can be an asset and a gift to the marriage, rather than a burden. In a phenomenal book about long term marital satisfaction called “Passionate Marriage,” by Dr. David Schnarch, he lets us in on a session where one partner learned how to use her gift of pursuit. He writes, “Initially, Mary considered talking with John about eyes-open foreplay (a technique discussed in detail in the book, which we won’t go into in this article) before they got into bed. On the one hand, she thought he might be more willing if he had time to consider it and didn’t feel “pushed.” On the other hand, he general tendency was to “test the waters” about what John wanted about everything and then model herself accordingly. She detested how she hid in fear of his disapproval and vowed to do things differently. Mary briefly considered asking John about eyes-open foreplay in the “safety” of our therapy sessions. But she recognized that she’d never really feel “safe” if she couldn’t do it on her own….Having made this momentous decision, Mary realized that she didn’t “permission” to change herself or her marriage. It doesn’t “take two,” as the old saying goes. It takes two to keep your marriage the same; it only takes one to change it.   When you change, the relationship changes. (The difference in these philosophies is the difference between emotional fusion and differentiation.)” (p. 199)

This is one of the deep, hidden gifts of marriage counseling to a relationship. A good marriage counselor knows that she can’t change the marriage for the couple. A good marriage counselor knows that no matter how amazing the session might proceed, one of the partners, on their own, has to make the difficult decision to change up the historical patterns of the marriage. This is such a subtle and profound point. Certain changes and insights and conversations will happen in the counseling session, but ultimately one or both of the spouses must make a conscious choice to do something different in the isolation of their own situation. In the moment, where there are no “directors” to rely on, a person must take the unprecedented risk of taking an action simply because they believe it is the right thing to do!

In the example above, Mary realized that it was up to her to change things in the marriage in the way she wanted them to change. No one could do that for her. And in that moment, she created a self-validated action whereby she believed that want she wanted could turn out to be the very thing breathed a new life into their marriage. She stopped being safe and careful and calculated. She realized that she didn’t need her husband’s or her therapist’s approval or direction to take a new action. And more importantly, she realized that to check-in with her husband or the therapist would invalidate the very thing she wanted: to no longer live in fear of her husband’s disapproval. Mary learned that to stand firm in her beliefs about what she wanted for the marriage was a good and beneficial thing for the relationship, and she didn’t need her husband’s approval for this to be true. Ultimately, according to the rest of the story by Dr. Schnarch, this turned out to be the best thing for their marriage and also, the best thing for John. John had grown tired of Mary’s incessant need for approval from him. This is a complicated dynamic of its own, because John (although not discussed in the book) probably colluded to this pattern by enjoying a sense of power through either his approval or disapproval. This cycle of repeated unhealthy patterns is what Dr. Schnarch refers to as enmeshment. Enmeshment is never created by just one party. It takes two to keep it going.

THE BENEFITS OF MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN

Marriage counseling is never an easy road because it will ultimately ask both parties to change, even if only one partner has the desire to make it so. The best marriage counselors in Nashville aren’t just interested in “happier” marriages. Marriage counselors want both partners to be stronger, more confident, and more solidified in their beleifs that they have value and equal power in the marriage. This is the foundation of differentiation and this is hope that the stronger each partner becomes, the greater the intimacy and satisfaction both will receive.

If you are looking to increase the intimacy and connection in your marriage, then it may be beneficial to reach out to a marriage counselor in Nashville, TN and begin a conversation that takes you both deeper into the love you desire. You are both worthy of it and deserve it!