– Knowing Your Role: Therapy in Nashville, TN

Flowering

By: Linda Buckmaster

At the Ruins of the Seven Churches, Inishmore

Pick a crevice

a homey gap between stones

and make it your own.

Grow a life here from wind, rain,

and the memories of ancients embedded in limestone.

The bees will use you for their sweet honey.

The rock will soften under your touch.

You will draw moisture from fog and hold it.

Your presence will build soil.

This is all we have in this life, all we own:

a flowering

an opening

a gap between stones

for tiny tender roots.

I entitled this article, “Knowing Your Role,” because there is a consistent theme in working with my clients that I’ve noticed over the years.  Not only with my clients in the therapy room, but also with myself and my loved ones.  It is so difficult to know, and accept, and understand our limitations of being human.  There are some limitations that are easy to accept: We can’t swim underwater on our own, we can’t fly on our own, we can’t make our voice as loud as a stadium announcer, and we can’t run as fast as a cheetah.  But there are so many other things in this life that inherently limited because of our humanity, but we just don’t want to accept them.

For instance, we have so little control over other people in our life, especially those we love dearly and only want the best for them.  There is nothing in this world that makes us more controlling, or possessive, or lose our minds than trying to get a child to do something they don’t want to do…especially if it’s good for them 😉  And because we are unwilling to accept the limited power we do have as a parent, we resort to using our physical being (because we happen to be physically bigger and stronger than them now) to either get louder or move their physical body in the direction we want them to go.  For most of us, this might not seem like a big deal.  And in most cases it is not.  However, what most of us are unwilling to acknowledge about this way of living is that it sets our children up to do the very thing we are wishing they would not do!

What we “want” is for our children to learn to think on their own and to make decisions that are in their best interest, rather than impulsively relying on whatever feeling they might be experiencing in the moment.  However, when we use our louder, more scary voice or our physical body to make them do something in the moment, they aren’t learning to think at all.  What they are learning is that once they get to be larger or louder than another person, they are going to use those physical attributes to get what they want.  But, this doesn’t just stop at a parent to child relationship.  Men do it to women all the time.  Bosses do it to employees.  Spouses do it back and forth to each other constantly.

There is actually so little control and power we have over other people.  But, this makes us feel powerless and helpless.  So, we do everything in our power to avoid accepting the reality of our situation.  I love how this poem ends.  It reminds us of the few things we actually “own.”  It’s a bit sobering, for sure.  But oftentimes, reality is sobering.  And so, many of us exchange our reality for a fantasy that is mostly just an illusion.

NASHVILLE INDIVIDUAL THERAPY

Therapy is a process that helps us see and accept more of reality.  It’s not always a fun process, for sure. And there are so many parts of ourselves that unconsciously resist accepting reality on its own terms.  For instance, miscommunication between spouses happens more often than clear communication.  This is a disheartening fact for sure.  But it is a truer representation of reality.  Meaning, if you aren’t aware that miscommunication happens more often than clear communication, you can easily get frustrated and annoyed at your partner for not being a good communicator.  Which, over time, could lead you to believe that you aren’t a good fit for each other.

If you have been stuck with a partner or loved one and wanting a new way to engage that relationship, then individual counseling in Nashville, TN may be a good fit for you.  Chris Roberts has been working with individuals and couples in Nashville and the state of Tennessee for over 15 years.  Chris is kind and compassionate, but also deliberate in giving responsive feedback to you and your situation.  Chris can be reached at chris@nashvillecounselor.net, or at (615) 800-9260.