– Learning 3 Better Ways to Complain with your Spouse Through Nashville Marriage Counseling

Last Updated on March 27, 2020 by Chris Roberts

DESCRIBING 3 NEW WAYS TO COMPLAIN TO YOUR SPOUSE THAT WILL BE MORE PRODUCTIVE IN NASHVILLE MARRIAGE THERAPY

By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP (Licensed Professional Counselor) Two Trees Counseling Nashville

Reference: “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage,” by John Gottman, Julie Gottman, and Joan DeClaire. 2006. Crown Publishers

While complaining isn’t a term most of want to be found guilty of doing, we all end up complaining in one way or another when we are in a long-term relationship. The point isn’t to stop complaining, that would be impossible. A better alternative is to learn more effective ways to complain, The Guilt Trip Article is something the can help the a couple. I use the phrase “more effective,” because most of us are trying to communicate something important when we complain. It’s just that typically our way of complaining makes it difficult for our loved-one to hear what we are trying to say. In a brilliant book called, “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage,” authors Gottman, Gottman, and DeClaire outline 3 simple ways to make your complaints achieve their goal by altering your relationship in a more healthy direction. (p.18-20)

LEARN TO REMOVE THE CRITICISM FROM YOUR COMPLAINT.
This is far easier said than done. We all get confused that complaining equals criticism—it actually doesn’t! But, we all need to be aware that we have an inherent defense structure that makes it feel as if they are the same.

So, instead of saying: You never help me when you come home from work.
You could remove the criticism and say: I know we are both tired by the time you get home from work. I don’t think I realized how much help I need in the evenings. Can we talk about a plan that might work better for both of us?

According to a marriage counselor the complaining partner may feel the first statement is “more” true, the first statement will never actually help them meet their goal of getting more help! Also, the second statement implies both are working hard (which is probably true), and owns that they may not have known how much they needed (self-reflection).

LOOK FOR THE LONGING IN EACH OTHER’S COMPLAINTS (p.19)
While the complaining partner can learn to adjust their wording to make it more palatable for their spouse, the listening spouse can also do work to hear the underlying message, rather than taking the criticism at face value. Working from the assumption that all of our complaints have a goal that is trying to be accomplished, we can imagine that our partner is trying to communicate something important, other than just telling us that we are rotten.

SAYING “THANK YOU” MORE OFTEN, AND RECEIVING OUR SPOUSE’S GRATITUDE
This may not seem to fall in the category of complaining, but it is actually right up its alley. The more we are willing to notice and express appreciation for our spouse’s actions, the more we can get away with stating complaints that aren’t worded perfectly. Meaning, the more we say “thank you,” the more we can complain. The other side of this is just as important, though. When our marriage partner tells us “thank you,” we need to learn to let it sink in and feel it in our bones. It is one of the most difficult parts of being human to fully accept a “thank you.” Notice what your first response is when someone tells you thank-you. Do you say, “not a problem,” or “not a big deal,” or “you do things for me all the time?” While all of these come off as polite, they actually keep us from fully accepting the appreciation for our action. The less we fully receive/feel our spouse’s appreciation, the less our brain registers they said thank-you at all.

REACHING OUT TO NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING FOR HELP
If you are noticing there is more complaining than appreciation in your marriage, or once you try a few of these steps and nothing seems to be changing, then you can reach out to get marriage counseling from a good counselor that may be helpful! He is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist and Sometimes it can take just a session or two to get you back on track. Other times, we may find there is more work to be done, because of deep seated resentment. In either case, a Nashville marriage counselor could be quite effective in helping you guys move forward. Chris Roberts is a Nashville, TN marriage counselor with many years helping couples find more love and connection in the life. Chris can be reached at (615) 800-9260 or chris@nashvillecounselor.net.