-Learning How Each Partner Defines Freedom Differently in Couples Counseling

Last Updated on May 4, 2023 by Chris Roberts

WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT OUR PARTNERS MEAN BY “FREEDOM.” COUPLES COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN CAN HELP.

By: Chris Roberts, MACP, LPC-MHSP (Licensed Professional Counselor) Two Trees Counseling Nashville

Most people would agree that having more freedom in our lives is a good thing! But what we might not know is that each person in the relationship could define freedom differently. In this article, we will discuss 2 very different ways of defining freedom. If we don’t take the time to discuss with our partner what freedom means to them, we might really misinterpret their actions.

ONE WAY OF DEFINING FREEDOM         

I had a client once tell their partner that freedom felt like a bird flying through the air. The bird has no real rules, no limits, can come and go as it pleases, and can move in every direction. In their relationship, it meant that spontaneity was treasured. Doing things spur of the moment meant passion and excitement and interest. If they could come home on a Friday evening and say, “Let’s go camping this weekend! Let’s leave in an hour,” that would feel romantic, exciting, and alive to them.

Last minute plans reveal that we are still alive and flexible and young at heart. Even as we get older and live more of our life together, we are still in love, and we are NOT boring! To this particular client, this definition was set in stone. It was unquestioned. There couldn’t possibly be any other way to describe and define freedom. Unfortunately, they were mistaken. And, up to this point, it had caused a lot of unintended conflict in their relationship.

ANOTHER WAY OF DEFINING FREEDOM.

The other partner in this relationship had a very different definition of freedom! To them, freedom was most ostensibly obtained by making plans, having guidelines, and understanding the rules to follow. To this partner, the guidelines gave them the freedom to fully let go and enjoy their partner and the experience. This partner wanted to be fully present and involved in the experience with the partner- free to be themselves with no other distractions or worries.

The more planning, and the further out the planning, the more this partner was able to relax and be themselves…and be free!

WHY DOES THIS MATTER IN COUPLES COUNSELING?

It had never crossed my mind that both partners could be expressing their strong desire for freedom. As they each explored their end goal for spontaneity versus planning, I realized they both wanted the same thing! And, up until this point, it seemed like they were committed to exactly the opposite goal! Not only that, but it appeared each had set out to intentionally thwart the other partner’s ideas and hopes.

Couples counseling in Nashville, TN allows partners to express their individual desires and longings in an arena where a therapist can take a wider glance at what might be occurring. This insight into what each partner was doing did not magically make everything better. They still had a lot to do to understand what freedom meant to their lover. But, now they at least had the platform to recognize that they weren’t fighting against each other for opposite outcomes. It opened the possibility of a healthy conversation about what each wanted from the relationship and from each other!