– Learning that We All Lie Through Nashville Relationship Therapy

Last Updated on August 13, 2015 by Chris Roberts

LEARNING THAT WE ALL LIE THROUGH NASHVILLE RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

References: “Tell Me No Lies: How to Stop Lying to your Partner-and Yourself-In the 4 Stages of Marriage.” 2000. Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. and Peter T. Pearson, Ph.D. with Judith Schwartz.

We all enter relationships with the hope that this ONE, this person, will treat us with respect, with kindness and with honesty. Very few people enter relationships with the intent of lying and being deceitful. Yet, it happens. Always. There is no escape, if you are with another person for long enough, that both of you will lie at some point during your time together. The point of relationships is not about creating an environment where lies don’t exist, but being flexible and durable enough to handle all kinds of disappointments, including lying, when they happen.

In a fantastic book by Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson, called, “Tell Me No Lies,” they engage the complicated topic of lying with clarity and helpfulness. They write, “We do believe that most people want to be honest with those they love. But the nature of marriage, with its infinite number of interdependencies and huge emotional stakes, guarantees that spouses will lie to each other and fool themselves.”(p. 2) This may come as a surprise that doctorate level clinicians state a “guarantee” that spouses will lie to each other. As we grow throughout our lives, one of the things we can come to count on is that there are no guarantees! However, their approach to lying is a far more accurate portrayal of relationship, than believing that lying may or may not happen. They go on to say, “Being honest with another person, particularly one you’re dealing with all the time, can be dicey. The impetus for most marital lies does not stem from a wish to deceive the other, but rather from the wish to keep the relationship as it is.”(p. 2).

NASHVILLE RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING TO HELP US MOVE FORWARD

In Nashville relationship counseling,we discussed this idea of lying in a previous article and how usually lying is not as devious and detrimental as it might sound. Bader and Pearson elucidate this idea further by getting underneath the true reasons why we lie. As it first sounds, simply lying to keep things “as is,” may not sound that detrimental. But they go on to say, “That’s the incredible irony: Couples lie to preserve their relationships, but it’s those very lies that create dissent and leave the partners feeling stagnant, isolated, and alone.”(p. 2) The real problem with lying is that it tries to keep the relationship in the same place. Lying is usually an intentional (albeit subconscious) effort to keep the relationship from changing. This is not really a problem, except that people grow and therefore relationships grow and change. If we put too much committed effort in keeping relationships the same, we create an irreconcilable tension that goes against the laws of life. Our personal lives and our relationships WILL change. We cannot stop this from happening. However, our lying attempts to thwart the laws of life and therefore sets us up for an unbearable tension that will one day break.

Nashville relationship counseling can help couples understand this unshakable force of being together. It can also help us realize that many of our desires to lie come from a vulnerable place within ourselves that don’t trust our partner and therefore don’t trust life. Typically, when clients are willing to confront this belief system, they realize that change is inevitable, and it can take away some of the power of this fear.

Breaking our patterns of lying is another challenge, but just knowing that we aren’t terrible and odd people for lying can help propel us into a new way of being with our partner. If you and your partner are having difficulty with lying, Nashville relationship counseling may be helpful to get you guys on a better path for communicating and enjoying each other.