– Learning to Leave Our Parents Through Marriage Therapy in Nashville, TN

HOW MARRIAGE THERAPY CAN INFORM OUR DISCUSSIONS ABOUT OUR PARENTS

Most of us don’t think (or don’t want to think) about our deep connections and roots to our parents. We are who we are. Or at least that’s what we wish to believe. Whether we have gone through a major rebellion phase in our teens, or none at all, we are all deeply informed and formed by our parents. As such, when we enter marriage, we don’t just enter marriage as “ourselves.” We enter marriage as me, as my mom, as my dad, as my brother, etc.

WHY MARRIAGE THERAPY WILL INEVITABLY END UP DEALING WITH OUR PARENTS

If couples stay long enough in marriage therapy, we will always get to both spouse’s parents at some point. We aren’t just individual people living individual lives. We are all a constellation of those that have had the greatest impact and influence on our lives. Just the natural development of a human being hard wires us for being molded by our parents. From birth to about the age of 12, all we know about “normal” is from our familial surroundings. If our parents never touch each other or tell each other they love the other, we can still find ways to justify their love. From the age of 12 to about 20, we enter adolescence where our chief aim is to fin our own identity. The problem is that we usually do this by acting in opposite ways that our parents want us to, and that usually means we are still under their rule. From age 20 and on, we falsely believe we have secured our unique, individual identity and then set off (in this case, if you’re reading this) to find a mate.

THE BREAKDOWN THAT LEADS COUPLES TO MARRIAGE THERAPY

If we are fortunate to find a partner that is more honest than accommodating, what we quickly learn is that there are all sorts of land mines waiting around every corner. One of the earliest lessons in marriage is learning that the time we spend, or don’t spend, with our families can become one of the largest sources of conflict in our relationship. Why is this so? It is precisely because all the ways we assumed the world worked about spending time with family was a universal truth! It is, because it is. What we quickly learn is that our spouse’s family has an incredibly different view of how and when to spend time with family. This is never more evident than during the holiday season. Trying to negotiate in-laws becomes an ever evolving catastrophe waiting to happen. The more we plan, the more we fail. Obviously, the less we plan, the worse things are, too. We are in a catch 22.

WHAT IS THE ANSWER?

The answer in marriage therapy is always one thing: communication. Communication comes through healthy conversation, which usually forces couples to deal with tender issues that involve risk and exposure. We may not realize how bought-in we were to our parent’s ideals of time together. We may not realize how inflexible we are when it comes to not upsetting our parents. We may not want to accept our how controlling or manipulative our own parents can be towards us and our spouse. The only way through trials like this is to keep the lines of communication open and honest. This is by no means easy.

A marriage therapist can help both of you navigate this tricky terrain in ways that help both of you understand yourselves better and talk in ways that create connection and intimacy. Chris Roberts is a marriage therapist in Nashville, TN with many years helping couples through such issues. Chris would love to be of help.