– Learning to Let Go Through Couples Counseling Nashville, TN

LEARNING TO LET GO THROUGH COUPLES COUNSELING NASHVILLE TN

There is an anonymous quote that says, “We know how to hold on, we must learn how to let go.” I think this sums up a large part of the human predicament. There is an entire field of research in psychology dedicated to how we “hold on” called Attachment Theory. The theory states that we all have ways of being attached, of being connected, of holding on. It basically espouses that everyone one of us is attached to, or holds on to, important people in our lives through various means. The theory doesn’t leave room for people who are not attached, or who don’t have means for holding on. For the most part, I believe this theory is true. The question isn’t, “Are we attached?” but rather, “How are we attached?”

Part of the work in couples counseling Nashville, TN is helping partners identify how they are attached to each other. The theory of attachment states that we all learned ways of attaching, or holding on, to important people in our life through our interactions with our primary caregivers, most often our parents. As humans, we crave, and some argue need, connection with other people in order to feel most alive and healthy. So, our primary caregivers supply us this connection unwittingly and without much intentional thought. Just the way our parents held us, or talked to us, or mimicked our early movements, we learned how to be connected to other people. It’s a beautiful part of life that most of us never have to think about.

COUPLES COUNSELING NASHVILLE, TN HIGHLIGHTS OUR CONNECTIONS

But couples counseling in Nashville, TN puts the spotlight on these early connections and gives us language and understanding for how and why it happened. This is so important to our adult lives, because it tells us how we are going to hold on, or attach, to our loved ones. Many couples enter counseling with a dazed look on their face about why they are fighting or arguing or distancing. They both feel deeply in love with the other, but can’t understand why they aren’t feeling as connected as they were early in their relationship. Without knowing it, we project onto our current partner the ways that we felt loved and connected when we were little. We attach to them in the ways that we were attached when we were little. This usually works in the beginning, because both partners are wrapped up in the emotions of love and are easily able to forego some annoyances for the purpose of connection in the relationship. But as the relationship progresses, we want more and more connection with our partner, and we find that our old ways of connecting with people aren’t as healthy as we once thought.

THE PURPOSE OF LETTING GO IN COUPLES COUNSELING NASHVILLE TN

We all fear (mostly subconsciously) that if we let go of our old way of holding on, we won’t have any relationship remaining. We hold on to our old ways of connecting, because they are known and they are comfortable. Even if they aren’t working the best anymore, we hold on to these old ways, because they provide us some connection which seems better than no connection at all.

Couples counseling in Nashville, TN asks us to do the hard work of letting go of old patterns of connecting in order to experience deeper and more meaningful relationship. But any act of letting go is a death. It’s a death to the perceived assurance of connection we once had. This is a big deal and needs to be recognized. Many books and fairy tales and movies try to capture this theme. Even the great Christian tradition has numerous examples of how death is the only way to life. But death is never simple or easy, because it necessitates entering an unknown future where nothing is secure or predictable. We are scared, literally, to death of letting go of what is comfortable and known. We aren’t sure how the ending will go and therefore we fight with our lives to try to keep our old attachments in place.

Couples counseling in Nashville, TN is not for the faint of heart. The more we want to love and be loved by our partner, the more we must face these moment by moment decisions of letting go. Letting go provides us the greatest possibility for hope and connection, because it asks us to step, with our partner, into a future that has no guarantees. This type of love is not known by many people.

If you are looking for greater connection with your partner, then Two Trees Counseling Nashville may be a helpful place for both of you to understand how you have gotten stuck where you are and what you can do to move forward. Chris Roberts is a couple counselor in Nashville, Tn who has helped many couples weather these difficult storms and move forward in healthy, beautiful ways.