– Learning to Say “No” in Relationships through Individual Counseling

Last Updated on September 14, 2015 by Chris Roberts

UNPACKING THE IDEA OF SAYING “NO” IN HEALTHY WAYS.

Individual counseling at its core is a place where people can explore the current patterns in their lives and take healthy steps towards changing patterns that aren’t productive to their overall goal of living a fulfilling life.  If you are reading this article, then most likely you have some experience with the idea of saying “No,” or at least the basis for knowing that standing up for yourself can be messy, but healthy.  This article will give further credence to the concept of saying “No,” and what actually goes into enacting this principle.

A therapist in individual counseling is never intent on simply getting a client to say “No” to any request that doesn’t seem to work for the client.  It’s easy to see how this can be misrepresented.  Most people aren’t comfortable in denying a request from a loved one.  On the outskirts, it appears rude and selfish.  Especially in the south, we are taught at an early age that we should sacrifice our wants and desires for the good of other people.  There is nothing inherently wrong with this ideal.  The problem occurs in the practice of feeling like we HAVE to say “Yes” everytime a loved one asks for our assistance.  The most consistent result of always feeling like we have to say “Yes,” is that we become bitter and resentful at the person asking us for help.  Being bitter and resentful at our relationship partner for asking us for help is not all bad either.  When we become bitter, it can also be a sign that the patterns we have found ourselves enacting don’t work for us anymore.  Bitterness can be a helpful emotion to urge us to try out a different means of relating in our relationships.

INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING ASKS US TO EXPERIMENT WITH DIFFERENT WAYS OF RELATING.

If we have found ourselves stuck in a perpetual cycle of always feeling like we need to say “Yes” to requests, then it can become an “experiment” to try out saying “no” instead.  It’s an experiment, because it asks us to step into unknown territory and see what the outcome might hold.  When we always say “Yes,” then we typically know what the outcome will look like.  The other person is grateful and happy we helped them out (whether they express it specifically or not.)  We usually feel good about helping someone out.  Yea!  The exception to these feelings, or the addendum, comes when we feel trapped by their request.  Or we might secretly feel frustrated that they keep asking for things.  Or we might start to avoid them, for fear that they will ask us for something, and we will “have” to say yes.  This is breakdown of always having to say yes.  We all, as humans, will eventually become tired of always having to give and always having to say yes.  This is normal, and this is good!

BREAKING CYCLES IN INDIVIDUAL THERAPY

Individual therapy gives us the platform to break relational cycles in the context that breaking unhealthy patterns keeps our relationships fresh and volatile.  We have a drive in all of us to settle, to find the status quo, to predict and find comfort.  And it is extremely comfortable to settle into a rhythm with our relationships that is predictable and repeatable.  However, we also have a drive that needs to keep things fresh and new with our loved ones so that we don’t get bored and stagnant.

HELP WITH SAYING NO THROUGH INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING

If you are in the Nashville, TN area and would like some help to keep your relationship fresh and get out of old patterns of stagnant behavior, please feel free to give Chris Roberts a call at Two Trees Counseling Nashville at (615) 800-9260.