– Learning to Speak Truthfully: Nashville Couples Counseling

Last Updated on July 13, 2024 by Chris Roberts

In referencing a post about learning to process our feelings before speaking, I wanted to continue this theme.  The key word I will be using throughout the post and others is this idea of Metabolization.  Very similar to how our digestive system works, we have to marinate on our experiences and feelings, and attempt, at least, to narrow down some concrete emotions.  This always sounds simple on the outset, and yet I find it is one of the more difficult things to do in the human experience.

Let’s say my partner tells me they will be home at 5:30pm this evening.  I get excited about seeing them! It’s been a long day or a long week, and I’m looking forward to being with them and relaxing in the evening with them.  5:30pm arrives and not only have they not walked in the door, but I haven’t heard anything from them since our last communication where they stated they would be home at 5:30pm.  I give them the benefit of the doubt, I trust their word, and I’m okay waiting a few minutes for them to be a little late.  But then, it becomes 5:45pm.  Now, not only am I a bit worried, but I’m starting to get frustrated.  Not only am I frustrated because they are late today, but my brain reminds me this is a pattern of theirs.

NOW, I start to feel a lot of things.  I feel unimportant.  I feel worried about their safety.  I’m feeling disappointed and on top of that, I’m feeling embarrassed that I got my hopes up about being excited to be with them.  I don’t want to be annoying, so I delay in reaching out to them, because I don’t want to treat them like a child and ask, “Where are you?”  But, each minute that I delay in reaching out, I become more agitated, and frustrated and resentful.  When finally, my partner walks in the door at 5:55pm, all my excited energy has turned into negative energy, and I’m ready to lash out.

It would be honest to tell them, “I’m so sick and tired of you being late.  I get dinner ready, I’ve got the kids in a good place, and you don’t care at all about my feelings or what my day has been like.”  All these things are true to how I feel and my experience.  The problem is, I’ve turned into attacking and assuming I know their intentions and their motivations.  This is the heart of what I mean by “metabolizing” our feelings.

HOW CHRIS ROBERTS AT TWO TREES COUNSELING NASHVILLE CAN HELP

Therapy is a place where we can learn how to use our honest and true experience and use it to connect with our partner, rather than deteriorate the relationship.  My work, in this moment, is to step back and process what I’m feeling, but also keep my mind about me, so that I don’t simply “rip into my partner.”  I’m not trying to dampen or stifle my true feelings, in order to not upset my partner.  I’m not trying to tip-toe around them so that I don’t ruin the evening.  Many people fall into this trap.  However, my partner is a person too with feelings and insecurities and multiple demands for their time.

I do need to stop and think about what exactly I want to say and how to communicate what I’m feeling in a way that can be heard by my partner.  After all, the only reason I’m saying anything to them is because I want them to truly hear what I’m saying.  So, I need to identify what is the most important feeling I’m experiencing.  In this case, let’s say I’m mostly feeling embarrassed.  I’m feeling embarrassed that I keep getting my hopes and excitement up about seeing them at the end of the day, and it doesn’t seem like they are matching my level of excitement.  This is where it gets tricky.  I DON’T KNOW FOR SURE they aren’t excited to see me.  It sure seems that way, because they were late coming home and they didn’t have the decency to even let me know.  If I jump right in to telling them what they are thinking and their intentions, then there is a high likely hood they are going to shut down, or we will get into an argument about something that I have no way of knowing what is accurate.

THERAPY IN NASHVILLE, TN

If this situation sounds familiar to you, not just the specific incident of your partner being late, but of the difficulty in expressing authentically what you’re experiencing when you feel disappointed or frustrated, then counseling in Nashville, Tennessee could be helpful for you.  In a future post, we will explore and examine more ways to engage situations like this and others.

Most of us just want to be loving and feel loved.  It is heart breaking to watch good, loving, kind people turn into resentful or shut-down shells of themselves, because they have been disappointed so many times.  Part of the hardwork of counseling is not only being able to get in touch with the more raw emotions of being human, but also to use those feelings as a means of connecting, rather than pushing away.

Chris Roberts has over 15 years of working with individuals and couples in the Nashville area in helping them regain a sense of hope and efficacy in connecting with those they love the most.  It is not easy work.  It involves taking a level of responsibility for our own lives, and getting in touch with the parts of us that want connection more than we want to be angry or shut down.  If you are looking for a place to start (or continue) your healing journey, Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling would love to work with you.