– Managing Unhealthy Conversations in Relationship Counseling

Last Updated on June 21, 2018 by Chris Roberts

DEMON DIALOGUES: FINDING THE BAD GUY

References “Hold me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

In a previous article concerning relationship counseling, we discussed the important work of Dr. Sue Johnson and her work, Hold Me Tight.  In her book, she discusses how relationships are fundamental to human healthiness and how we can get stuck in certain types of conversations that derail the happiness we could experience with our loved ones.  The first of these types of derailing conversations is what she refers to as Find the Bad Guy.  She says that, “The purpose of Find the Bad Guy is self protection, but the main move is mutual attack, accusation, or blame.”

In relationship counseling, there is always the underlying hope that where there is conflict and strife, there is also connection and vulnerability…at least in the beginning.  Dr. Johnson confirms this hope when she states that the main purpose of Find the Bad Guy is self protection.  Self protection only exists where there has been hurt, or there is the fear of being hurt.  There are places where self protection is healthy and serves a valuable function, such as if we are being bullied, or if we are walking in a dark alley at night.  Self protection means we are alert and anticipating ways of seeking safety in case of an attack of threat.  However, in relationships, self protection, at least employed on a full time basis, will never allow intimacy and connection to flourish.  Because we are on alert and putting all of our energy into seeking safety, we can’t be open and malleable by our significant other.  Being open to and malleable by our loved ones is a key ingredient for healthy, satisfying relationships.

Dr. Johnson writes, “Find the Bad Guy could just as easily be called It’s Not Me, It’s You.  When we feel cornered and flooded with fear, we tend to see and go with the obvious.  I can see and I can feel what you just did to me.  It’s much harder to see the impact of my responses on you.  We concentrate on each step and how “you just stepped on me,” and not the whole dance.  After a while, the steps and pattern become automatic.  Once we get caught in a negative pattern, we expect it, watch for it, and react even faster when we think we see it coming.  Of course, this only reinforces the pattern.” (p. 69)

Relationship Counseling is a place where a more neutral person like the therapist can step in and point out how each person is the playing the Find the Bad Guy game.  And it almost always goes both ways.  If each person in the relationship is willing to acknowledge how they are playing this game, then the blame can stop, and they both can get to the work of noticing when and how it happens.  Just being able to recognize when this type of conversation is happening is half the battle.

Dr. Johnson gives three steps for helping a couple start to identify the Find the Bad Guy conversation:

1. Stay in the present an focus on what is happening between them right now.
2. Look at the circle of criticism that spins both of them around.  There is no true “start” to a circle.
3. Consider the circle, the dance, as their enemy and the consequences of not breaking the circle.

Relationship counseling can be an opportunity to turn unhealthy connections into thriving experiences with important loved ones.  Usually, it will involve some discomfort and struggling.  But that discomfort and struggling just proves once again how sacred and important are relationships are.  If you are looking for a relationship counselor in Nashville, TN please feel free to give us a call.  We would be happy to work with you, or point you in the direction of someone else in the Nashville area!