– Marriage is hard…but it’s supposed to be

Last Updated on May 4, 2023 by Chris Roberts

ADAPTING TO THE CONSTRUCTS OF MARRIAGE

References “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships,” by David Schnarch, PH.D.

Marriage is hard, but it’s supposed to be.  That is not a judgment on marriage or a pessimistic view on the subject.  It is what it is.  Marriage also has its beautiful and magical moments, for sure.  But for many people, being married is not conceived of as a system that has its own code and values that are inherent within its construct (p. 44).  Within this code of matrimony, though, we are not specifically talking about marriage as if it exists on its own in some esoteric eco-system.  Marriage is the process of living life in a committed relationship.  Although marriage will have some clear distinctions apart from a serious dating relationship or partners who are co-habitating, the basic principles are applicable to any two people who are attempting to live in a long-term, exclusive relationship with one another.

Being married basically means two individual people, with all their idiosyncrasies and anomalies trying to live a life where they can remain in relationship with one another while holding on to their separate identity and personhood.  That process in itself is essentially a paradox: Being separate and being connected.   And most people swing dramatically from one side to another, or stay stuck on one side.  And unfortunately, there is no way to truly be prepared for becoming wedded.  In his fantastic book on thriving in committed relationships, Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch succinctly states, “Nobody’s ready for marriage.  Marriage makes you ready for marriage!” (p. 49)  Suffice it to say, if people are honest enough with themselves, at some point along the line there will be this lurking feeling that the person you married wasn’t chosen with the best of reasons, or the reason you became married at all wasn’t of the clearest intentions.  In fact, many people use one or both of those lurking feelings as evidence or proof that the marriage should end, or that it is

inherently doomed to fail.

Some of the main reasons people become married:

 

• Safety
• Security (financial or relational)
• Comfortability
• Stability
• Urging from partner, society, or family

The good news is that none of these reasons are wrong!  In fact, before living the actual experience of being married these are the only real ways of conceiving matrimony.  However, as normal as those reasons are for becoming wedded, marriage is a transformational, change-oriented process that requires attention, care, and flexibility.  Schnarch writes,

“When you’re oblivious to ways marriage can operate as a people-growing process, all you see are problems and pathology—and the challenges or of marriage will probably defeat you.  Your pain will have no meaning except failure and disappointment; no richness, no soul.  Spirituality is an attitude that reveals life’s meaning through everyday experience; however, don’t bother looking for sanctuary in your marriage.  Seeking protection from its pains and pleasure misses its purpose: marriage prepares us to live and love on life’s terms.” (47)

Schnarch makes a beautiful comparison to spirituality.  As much as spirituality is about eternal salvation and protection and security, it is also about change, and growth, and progress.  It is no different with being married.  We must be willing to adapt to the constructs of marriage, or else, either risk becoming ghosts of our true selves or escaping our commitment through divorce.  (As a realistic disclaimer, there are certain circumstances where divorce is a responsible decision, such as abuse, neglect, mental illness that refuses treatment, among others.  There are always exceptions to the rule.  I am not referring to those exceptions.)

A marriage counselor can be helpful in bringing unspoken conversations to the surface in an environment where constructive ideas can be entertained.  Marriage counseling is not for the faint of heart.  A good marriage counselor is not solely interested in making your life more comfortable.  You have become uncomfortable for a reason, and perhaps that reason is the fuel you need to live a more full life, both individually and in relationship.