– Married, but not emotionally fused

Last Updated on November 4, 2015 by Chris Roberts

A MARRIAGE THAT IS CONNECTIVE, BUT NOT ENGROSSING

References “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships,” by David Schnarch, PH.D.

As discussed in a previous post, even if we are unaware of it, we all want to feel deeply connected to another person, while remaining independent and uniquely ourselves.  David Schnarch describes this as the “two basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness.” (p. 55)  The drive for individuality describes our core longing for uniqueness and a separate, personal identity.  The drive for togetherness describes our core longing for connection and intimacy and joy that comes from sharing our life with another.   The question becomes how to manage these two, somewhat opposing life forces in a responsible and life-giving manner.

Schnarch believes the answer to this question comes in the form of differentiation.  Differentiation is the balancing of these two life forces, without allowing one life force or the other to rule our lives.  Surely, we will sway further from one side to the other throughout life, but differentiation can become a helpful toolkit to productively right the ship.

If we get swayed too far towards the life force of togetherness, we can become what Schnarch calls: emotionally fused.  He describes what this looks like, “People…who are emotionally fused are controlled by their connection.  They have lost the ability to direct themselves and so get swept up in how people around them are feeling.  There’s only room for one opinion, one position.” (p. 56)  People who are emotionally fused ( also termed: enmeshed) need connection with another person as much as they need air itself.  They can either be the dominant force that creates the position that everyone must follow, or they forego any position they may have of their own in order to agree with and stay connected to the person with the position.  Emotionally fused people can be incredibly demanding and authoritarian, or they can be pawns and opinionless people who agree with everything another person says, so as not to cause any ripples in the current state of the relationship.

It’s usually easy to detect the pawn, opinionless person as emotionally fused.  Men are keenly adept at perceiving this type of person.  However, most people have a much more difficult time picking up on the demanding person as emotionally fused.  It appears that the demanding person is an individual and separate, because they are setting the positions and opinions.  Especially to an opinionless person, the demanding type seems unwilling to waiver on their convictions, and therefore willing to risk being alone for the sake of being true.  But, a demanding person has not created a true sense of freedom and risk of loneliness.  The demanding person has simply exchanged their sense of connection from agreeability to a sense of connection through bullying, and power-mongering.  The demanding person needs connection as badly as the opinionless person, they just force themselves in through the front door, rather than huddle quietly in the back corner.  Schnarch writes,

…when we have little differentiation, our identity is constructed out of what’s called a reflected sense of self. We need continual contact, validation, and consensus (ordisagreement) from others.  This leaves us unable to maintain a clear sense of who we are in shifting or uncertain circumstances.  We develop a contingent identity based on a “self-in-relationship.”  Because our identity depends on the relationship, we may demand that our partner doesn’t change so that our identity won’t either. (p. 59)

The opinionless person needs to be in connection with someone who likes being worshipped and adored.  The demanding person needs to be in connection with someone who will continue to fall in line and obey their commands.  As long as the other partner cooperates, each of these enmeshed relationships will continue to exist.  But as soon as the other partner wants to change, the emotionally fused person will not have any solid ground to stand on.  In an honest, loving relationship, we should always be encouraging change and growth from ourselves and our partner.  The emotionally fused relationship needs everything to stay the same, exactly the same.  A true relationship moves and flexes and grows and changes.

Most people who come to marriage counseling enter for a similar reason: we feel stuck.  As a married couple, stagnancy leads to boredom which leads to frustration which leads to anger and acting out.  A marriage therapist can be helpful in honoring your current state, while compassionately greasing the wheels for movement and change.  We all need to change in order to feel alive.  Marriage counseling can be a productive catalyst for initializing change in a connective and restorative manner.