– Married, but not separate

Last Updated on November 4, 2015 by Chris Roberts

MARRIAGE IS A CONTINENT, NOT TWO ISLANDS

References “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships,” by David Schnarch, PH.D.

In our culture, we laud the independent person while oftentimes feeling annoyed and frustrated by the emotionally fused person who will stop at nothing to feel connected and attached to another. From the outside, it appears the independent person is more grounded and comfortable with themselves.  It seems the independent person will stick to their core convictions without cowering to the feelings of another in order to keep the relationship alive.  In fact, from the brilliant book on marriage called Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, Schnarch writes, “Our urge for togetherness and our capacity to care always drive us to seek connection, but true interdependence requires emotionally distinct people.” (p. 56)  It could appear that Schnarch is advocating for the independent, distinct person at all costs.  In a previous article we discussed the pitfalls of being emotionally fused, or enmeshed.

But, reacting to enmeshment by being an individual who is not affected by their spouse is not the answer at all.  Actually, most people who pride themselves on being an individual and separate would be quite unaware of their reaction to enmeshment.  The individualist who appears to not need emotional connection is simply the opposite pendulum swing to a person who is enmeshed.  Schnarch helps outline this distinction:

Differentiation is different from similar sounding concepts.  It’s entirely different than “individualism,” which is an egocentric attempt to set ourselves apart from others.  Unlike “rugged individualists” who can’t sustain a relationship, differentiated folks welcome and maintain intimate connection.  Highly differentiated people also behave differently than the terms autonomy and independence suggest.  They can be heedful of their impact on others and take their partner’s needs and priorities into account.  As we discussed earlier, differentiation is the ability to balance individuality and togetherness. (p. 67)

In a marriage, there is usually one spouse who is more enmeshed and one spouse who is more independent.  To put it another way, there is generally one marriage partner who wants connection and intimacy more than the other. That is in no way to imply that one spouse is healthier than the other, although it is very fair to say that is how it is generally viewed.  Often, each marriage partner will view their own position as “healthier.”  The enmeshed spouse will say, “You act like nothing affects you.  You don’t care about me.”  Here, the enmeshed spouse is essentially saying, “There is something wrong with you, that you don’t pursue me like you should.”  The independent spouse will say, “You are too needy.  You can’t be by yourself.”  Here, the independent marriage partner is essentially saying, “There is something wrong with you, that you can’t function on your own like you should.”

It is an endless battle with no winner.  There can’t be a winner, because each marriage partner is equally unhealthy.  Differentiation can be a rich tool for a marriage relationship, because it honors both spouse’s stances while pushing them further toward true connection and intimacy.  Schnarch writes, “The process of holding onto your sense of self in an intense emotional relationship is what develops your differentiation.” (p. 67)  In the midst of an intense interaction with your spouse, whether you are enmeshed or independent can be a grand predictor of how you will respond.  The independent marriage partner will say something to the effect of, “This is ridiculous.  I don’t have to put up with this.  I’m leaving.”  The enmeshed marriage partner will hound their spouse saying, “Just give me something.  Yell, scream, cry.  I need to know what you are thinking or feeling.”  Neither partner is effectively holding on to their sense of self in the moment.  The independent marriage partner NEEDS to get away, the enmeshed marriage partner NEEDS interaction.  Neither is willing or able to evaluate the situation for the possibility of what could be created through their interaction.

Many marriages have reached a place where “holding onto your sense of self” is almost impossible due to the years of frustration and anger.  This is where a marriage counselor can be helpful.  A marriage counselor can help slow down the intense interaction and reveal to each spouse what is occurring.  Marriage counseling can use and teach the possibilities of differentiation to help a marriage begin functioning properly on its own.

Photo courtesy of Morgan Sessions via Unpslash