– Normalizing Fears and Doubts After Infidelity in Nashville Marriage Therapy

Last Updated on October 5, 2015 by Chris Roberts

LEARNING OUR HESITATIONS TO RECOMMITING AFTER AN AFFAIR IN NASHVILLE MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Reference: “After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust when a Partner has been Unfaithful.” 2012. Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.

Once the affair has been recognized and acknowledged, now comes the hard part of figuring out how to move forward. An affair is always a devastating blow to a marriage. There are so many emotions for both partners once the affair has been revealed. But once things settle down and both partners start to make an evaluation of where things stand and how they want to proceed, a flood of conflicting thoughts start to emerge. In a phenomenal book about helping couples grow and heal from infidelity by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, she outlines 10 common fears and doubts that couples experience once they decide to look into the future.

She lists them:

1. Once there’s been so much damage, can we ever get back together?
2. How that you’ve been unfaithful, how can I trust that you won’t stray again?
3. Can both of us change in ways that matter? Are we basically incompatible?
4. Yes, you’re making some changes to save our relationship, but are they permanent or sincere?
5. Do you want me, or just the package (financial security, an intact home, shared parenting)?
6. Are my reasons for staying good enough?
7. Should we stay together for the children?
8. Doing what you did, you couldn’t possibly love me, so what’s the point in going on?
9. Isn’t it wrong for me to be too affectionate, to spend too much time with you, before I’m positive I want to recommit?
10. Won’t I be able to make a better decision about my lover if we spend more time together?

HOW NASHVILLE MARRIAGE THERAPY CAN HELP BOTH OF YOU.

If you are in the throes of a revealed affair, then you may connect to some or all of these statements above. I have heard all of them in my office over the years, and each one is enough to create insecurity in the possibility of ever moving forward in an authentic way. Once trust has been broken in this sort of manner, it can create so much skepticism in either partner, that the hope of a fulfilling marriage seems impossible. However, if each of you are willing to do the work of confronting and delving further into these fears, you may find out there is so much more love there than you ever dreamed possible.

Nashville marriage therapy turns spouses toward each other. What happened before the affair is usually just as important as the affair itself. Whichever fear or fears you relate to above can give you a roadmap to understand what was going on before the affair began. Affairs don’t begin in a vacuum. There are no relationships where everything is great and wonderful, and then all of a sudden an affair happens. There is always some context as to WHY an affair occurred. It may not be a great or rational context, but there is always some reason(s) why infidelity was initiated.

GETTING STARTED IN NASHVILLE MARRIAGE THERAPY

It’s always difficult to make that first, embarrassing, somewhat shaming, call to a marriage therapist to begin the process of marriage therapy. The hope is that whether or not you guys agree to continue with the marriage, marriage therapy can give you both a better understanding of what happened and thereby better closure on the pain and heartache that occurred.

Chris Roberts is a marriage therapist in Nashville, TN who is equipped to work with couples through this difficult time. There is always so much to be learned and gained, even during this awful process. Chris can be reached at chris@nashvillecounselor.net or at (615) 800-9260.

photo courtesy of: Jordan Sanchez at Unsplash