– Noticing the Signs of Gridlock in Your Marriage

Last Updated on May 18, 2014 by Chris Roberts

DISCOVERING GRIDLOCK IN YOUR MARRIAGE AND HOW TO OVERCOME IT THROUGH MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

In a previous article about marriage counseling in Nashville, TN, we discussed how almost all conflict can fall into one of two categories. The categories that most marital arguments can fall into are: resolvable or perpetual. In the resolvable category, there is the possibility that with enough conversation and understanding, the underlying issue between the couple can come to a resolution whereby there are no lingering affects and acceptable solution is agreed to by both parties. In the perpetual category, there is ultimately no acceptable solution that leaves both parties feeling satisfied and finished. In the remarkable book by Dr. John Gottman entitled, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” he states that, “Unfotunately, the majority of marital conflicts fall into [the perpetual] category—69 percent, to be exact.”(p. 130) This statistic in itself could help lead to a phenomenal shift in your marriage. If almost 3 out of every 4 arguments is unresolvable, then it should dramatically shift how both partners enter into and expect conflict to be worked out. Most people (including myself, up until this point) believe that an argument should be able to be resolved. That is the underlying assumption and expectation of most people in almost every conflict. If that assumption is true, then most people would never “settle” for anything less than resolution, because that is what both parties are seeking.

This is such an important part of marriage counseling. There are many reasons why spouses get into conflict, but to learn that the outcome of conflict is different that what we have been expecting for so many years is exciting and disorienting. Its disorienting because the very next question is usually, “Well, what the hell are we supposed to do now? If our conflict is supposed to lead to a resolution, what is ever going to change?” For many couples, the idea of eventually getting to a resolution is what has kept them together for so many years, even if those years have been miserable. For these types of couples to learn that resolution isn’t the point leaves them even more listless and hopeless. There is a larger issue going on there that we can’t dive into in this article, but suffice it to say that this is not a simple solution either.

Good marriage counseling isn’t necessarily about helping couples come to easy solutions or simple answers. A good marriage counselor knows this isn’t even a helpful framework for building a relationship.   Dr. Gottman writes, “couples intuitively understand that problems are an inevitable part of a relationship, much the way chronic physical ailments are inevitable as you get older. They are like a trick knee, a bad back, an irritable bowel, or tennis elbow. We may not love these problems, but we are able to cope with them, to avoid situations that worsen them, and to develop strategies and routines that help us deal with them.” (p. 131) No doubt this is a different picture than most of us have been taught about healthy relationships and good marriages. Part of the problem of the myths we have been taught about happy marriages is that they set up false expectations for what is reality when dealing with another person for the rest of our life.

Marriage counseling can help a couple reset their expectations for marriage in appropriate and reality-based ways. Again, just learning that almost 3 out of every 4 arguments is unresolvable can be extremely valuable in how you enter into conflict with your spouse. Dr. Gottman outlines some typical perpetual problems he has witnessed in his years of working with couples:

Meg wants to have a baby, but Donald says he’s not ready yet—and doesn’t know if he ever will be;

Walter wants sex far more frequently than Dana;

Chris is lax about housework and rarely does his share of the chores until Susan nags him, which makes him angry;

Tony wants to raise their children as Catholics, but Jessica is Jewish and wants their children to follow her faith;

Angie thinks Ron is too critical of their son, but Ron thinks he has the right approach: Their son has to be taught the proper way to do things.

These are no doubt difficult situations. For most of these couples, each partner could be striving to come to a complete and settled solution so that this issue won’t need to be addressed ever again. And yet, it’s easy to see from these examples that neither partner will feel true to themselves if they simply let the other partner have the final say. These are great examples of unresolvable issues present in many/most marriages. Dr. Gottman states, “Despite their differences these couples remain very satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to deal with their unbudgeable problem so it doesn’t overwhelm them. They’ve learned to keep it in its place and to have a sense of humor about it.”(p. 131) To keep these issues in their place and to have a sense of humor about them is not an easy thing to do, but it is a far different type of approach than trying to reach an ultimate solution. Dr. Gottman goes on to give some warning signs that your marriage might have landed in the gridlock stage regarding conflict:

• The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner
• You keep talking about it, but make no headway
• You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge
• When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt
• Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection
• You become even more unbudgeable over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations
• This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your position and polarized, more extreme in your view, and all the less willing to compromise
• Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally. (p. 133)

This is a dangerous place to be, and is where most couples end up before entering marriage counseling. Most marriages believe they need to be in such a desperate place before marriage counseling can be effective. The difficulty is that once a marriage has gotten to this place, neither partner is very open to hearing and understanding their partner. Further, they have become so entrenched in these types of patterns, that breaking these patterns feels futile and almost impossible. Dr. Gottman is not as hopeless, however. He writes, “If this sounds painfully familiar, take comfort in knowing there is a way out of gridlock, no matter how entrenched in it you are….all you need is motivation and a willingness to explore the hidden issues that are really causing the gridlock. The key will be to uncover and share with each other the significant personal dreams you have for your life.” (p. 133) This last statement hits on a fundamentally important aspect of relationships and love. We must be willing to play with our partners. Play is one of the most intimate and vulnerable actions we can partake in with our spouse. It is also one of the first actions to go when we start feeling defeated and hopeless about our marriage. Play is childlike and free and innocent. These are things we long for in our closest relationships. But when we feel hurt and misunderstood, these are the experiences that feel most vulnerable to us, and so we stop engaging in them with our spouse.

If you have noticed a stark distance between you and your spouse, or if you can recognize some of the patterns listed above, marriage counseling could be of help to you and your marriage. If you are looking for a Nashville marriage counselor, then please take the courage to reach out to a marriage therapist in the community. A marriage is meant to be fulfilling and exciting, and you deserve it!